Grief without Death

I find myself crying a lot lately. Not because I'm sad, or depressed. But just because at times I find life right now overwhelming. Each day the news is too much to take. I try to shut it off, but there is really no shutting it off at all. It is always there, no matter how much I try to divert my attention. Life has changed. Everywhere. For everyone. The entire planet. It is almost inconceivable.

  And those adults and experts in charge? They are scrambling.

  We can only now protect ourselves.

So, how can we do that? Stay home? Wear masks? Stay away from groups? Wash our hands a lot? Ok, we can do those things. Some of us want to, and others do not. But we get through our day hopefully without contracting anything. Or spreading anything. Whew.

  But what about inside? Our psyche, our bodies. How do we protect that?

I know, there are a million suggestions out there. Eat right. Walk more. Read a book. Take vitamins. Get sunshine. Blah, blah blah. They say those things to anyone going through anything. It doesn't help for long.

That feeling in the pit of our stomach. It stays.

So what is it?

 I think it is a hybrid of grief. We are grieving so many things right now. I also think part of it is feeling homesick. Remember that feeling? You would be all excited to go to a sleepover at a friends house. But then suddenly you want to go home. And that's it. I want to go home. Home to what felt safe in the world. But we cannot go there now. And that is a loss to grieve. So, go ahead and feel the loss. Embrace the homesickness. Lean into your grief. We are all in this together. All collectively grieving, in one form or another. Whether that be denial, anger, sadness, depression, over-eating, trying one diversion after another, whatever that may be. But just be true to your own feelings.  Take care of them in your own true way. 

Much love to you as we bravely soldier on.

 

 

 

"All the art of living lies in fine mingling of letting go and holding on." ~ Ellis

"Look closely and you will see almost everyone carrying bags of cement on their shoulders. That's why it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning and climb into the day." ~ Edward Hirsch

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." ~ C.S. Lewis

Never Enough Time

The past two weeks have been busy. Work, my book group, trying to getting ready for Valentine's Day. Grocery shopping, walking dogs, vet appointments, laundry, dinner, dishes, cleaning. The usual mundane activities of life. Lists of things to do, friends to call, shows to watch. And then there's the internet, which gobbles time, too. And there never seems to be enough time. My to do list feels endless. I never get to all the things I want to do. I don't even write on this blog anymore. I just need a break I say. I just need some rest.

And then suddenly, a text comes over my phone.  I need help with my hospice patient, a nurse says. Can you come?

So I do.

It's a woman my age.  In my town. Diagnosed with a brain cancer not long ago. Now needing hospice. Failing fast. Family in panic mode. What's happening?  She can't be dying. We didn't have enough time. Why now? Why her? My God what's happening? Chaos.

The anguish is brutal.  I have seen it so many times in my career, but each time it feels raw.

And she did indeed die. And it was indeed bad. And it felt so unexpected. Just like so many others. But it struck me differently this time. Because we are the same age? Perhaps. Or maybe because I am very guilty of taking time for granted.

It made me think about time. And time slowed down while I pondered it. I started doing less, thinking more. I started to think about things that mattered to me. I started to unwind a bit.

What if I died tomorrow. What would I have accomplished with my time here? It's sobering to think about really. Sure, I have a home and a family. But what am I leaving behind as my legacy? Did I use my time to create good memories of me? Do I want those memories to be of a clean home and folded laundry and to do lists? We get so caught up in that and some things just have to be done, but still.

I started working on my scrapbooks. I want my daughter to remember our lives together. I always put them aside and said, when I have more time I'll get these together. I texted friends I have been meaning to contact.  I made handmade Valentine's cards for friends. I stopped being obsessed with my to do list. As a matter of fact, I discarded it. I brought cupcakes to work. I watched the birds outside my window for a very long time. I played with my dogs longer than usual. I did things I wanted to do "someday" now.  And I am going to keep on that path to the end. I do have the time. I just have to make these things, things that sing to my heart, and not just my practical side, a priority, and let other things take a backseat.

I hear people talk about retirement. About all the projects they will work on and how they will finally go see their grandchildren more and read more and travel more. And I stay silent, because I know that the "someday" doesn't always come. All good things do not always come to those who wait.

Now is much better than someday. Someday is a promise we may not be able to keep. But we can keep a promise now. We actually do have the time. We don't own the time, but it's ours for now.  We only get to borrow it. Use it wisely.

"I wish for a world where people understand that life is short. So today is the time to do big things."
~ Robin Sharma

"You may delay, but time will not."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late."
~ William Shakespeare