OMG.... Shut Up Already: Part 2

A few years back I was sitting in a hair salon waiting to have my hair blown dry. As I was sitting there waiting, I overheard two women having a very loud conversation about their moms.  One was complaining bitterly how she had to call her mom every other day because otherwise her mom would hound her about why she had not called.  The other woman rolled her eyes and said, "I know. Isn't it annoying that they continue to treat us like we were still kids.  I am having lunch with my mother tomorrow and I am so dreading it.  Next thing you know she will be asking me to go shopping with her as well." 

They continued on and on but I did not hear them anymore. My thoughts had turned inward and I found myself in tears. You see, my mom had just passed away about a month prior to that conversation and I would have done anything to have her hound me or invite me to lunch. Those women just didn't know how lucky they were to have someone who loved them and wanted to be with them. And they also did not realize the impact their loud complaints could have on others.

People complain too much. They complain about things that are plain silly.  I think that some of them would  not have a single thing to say if it were not for constant complaining. And they complain loudly and for all to hear. They impose their morose sense of the world onto others who cannot avoid the onslaught.

The weather's too cold; it is too hot.  I wish summer were here; I cannot stand these kids home anymore.  I cannot wait for fall; God I hate raking leaves.  I wish it would snow; Boy, I hate shoveling. Let's go to a movie; can you believe how much popcorn costs?  I wish I could go to a party; My God it is so noisy here and I have a headache and the food stinks. I love going to weddings; did you see what she registered for?  I cannot wait to get away to the beach; can you believe all the traffic and crowds? The sun is too bright....WHAT! 

   

We go on and on and on. We take a pleasure and turn it into a joyless event by our or someone else's endless complaining.  We all do it. And we all need to learn to simply just shut up. 

And I am not saying that many do not have good reasons to complain.  But come on. No one wants to hear your endless banter. My hospice patients have complained less. And they have real problems. Seriously.

What ever happened to being polite? Or to being gracious? Why must we always have to tell everyone our feelings every single moment we are feeling them? Is it the "me generation" that started all of this? You know, the generation that never knew a world where duty came before self? The ones that believe that the needs of the individual come first?

We seem to  live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged from childhood, when people have more freedom and independence than ever before, but are also far more depressed, anxious, cynical, and lonely.  And who do they blame for this sad state of affairs? Well, they blame a lot of people, but not themselves.  Goodness no.  So they complain loudly and bitterly and for all of us to hear.

And I just don't want to hear it anymore.

So please. Just. Stop.

And where does all of this complaining take us anyway? Does it really make us feel better to unload it onto others? Does it help us to see things more clearly and to better ourselves?  I think we all know the answer to that. It doesn't.  And as a matter of fact, I think it makes us all the more miserable and isolated at best.

We have become a nation of complainers. We complain about the bad foods available, but still purchase and eat them. We complain about too much sex and violence on TV, but watch the shows anyway. We complain we are too lonely, but complain about the people we might be close to. We complain about our politicians, but vote them in anyway. We complain that we are too fat, too bored, too busy or too stressed, but we stop there, like somehow simply complaining about it will make it all either go away or be alright. And neither turns out to be the case.

We need to start doing more and complaining less. We need to learn once again the fine art of conversation that includes talking about things that are of relevance instead of simply airing our dirty laundry. We need to learn to steer a conversation away from the negative and onto the positive. And we need to set better examples of good behavior for our kids.

So next time you are talking with a group of friends, co-workers or family, pay attention to how much complaining goes on. And try to stop yourself from doing it. See if you can be the one to rise above the fray.

It will make everyone's day just a little bit brighter.


There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. 
~~Edith Wharton


When you consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you’ll become known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.
~~ Joseph Sommerville

The people who live in a golden age usually go around complaining how yellow everything looks.
~~Randall Jarrell

In the past few years, I have come to believe that you truly manifest your own reality. Positive energy breeds positive energy and if we continue to recruit positive we can outnumber and overtake the negative. Everyday I continue to strive to grow and learn as a person and struggle to keep my ego in check. Along the way it's important to remember to deeply love and forgive yourself, stay humble and take responsibility for your own life and live it, love it... passionately and furiously."

~~ Aimee Moss

Welcome 2012

                                  New Beginnings
                                                   by Gertrude B. McClain

It's only the beginning now

...a pathway yet unknown

At times the sound of other steps

...sometimes we walk alone

The best beginnings of our lives

May sometimes end in sorrow

But even on our darkest days

The sun will shine tomorrow.

So we must do our very best

Whatever life may bring

And look beyond the winter chill

To smell the breath of spring.

Into each life will always come

A time to start anew

A new beginning for each heart

As fresh as morning dew.

Although the cares of life are great

And hands are bowed so low

The storms of life will leave behind

The wonder of a rainbow.

The years will never take away

Our chance to start anew

It's only the beginning now

So dreams can still come true.

Let your heart be light.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light.
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight.


Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.


Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.


Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.


And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Reflections

Slowly
she celebrated the sacrament of letting go.
First she surrendered her green,
then the orange, yellow, and red
finally she let go of her brown.
Shedding her last leaf
she stood empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the winter sky
she began her vigil of trust.

Shedding her last leaf
she watched its journey to the ground.
She stood in silence
wearing the color of emptiness,
her branches wondering;
How do you give shade with so much gone?

And then,
the sacrament of waiting began.
The sunrise and sunset watched with tenderness.
Clothing her with silhouettes
they kept her hope alive.
They helped her understand that
her vulnerability,
her dependence and need,
her emptiness,
her readiness to receive
were giving her a new kind of beauty.

Every morning and every evening they stood in silence
and celebrated together
the sacrament of waiting.

~~ Macrina Wiederkehr

Where's the real stuff in life... to cling to?

http://youtu.be/nBLmMZfUx5s

It's so important, to make someone happy.

Make just one someone happy;

Make just one heart the heart..... you sing to.

One smile that cheers you,

One face that lights when it nears you,

One girl you're ev'rything to.



Fame, if you win it,

Comes and goes in a minute.

Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?

Love is the answer,

Someone to love is the answer.

Once you've found her, build your world around her.



Make someone happy,

Make just one someone happy,

And you will be happy, too.

OMG...shut up already.

The other day I was in the elevator at a major Boston hospital heading to the 16th floor.  The elevator was full of people; visitors carrying balloons, nurses, doctors, a social worker, me and an EKG tech with her cart. We were all jammed in. On floor 3, the doors opened and two older ladies stepped into the already over-crowded elevator, oblivious to everyone around them. Once they pushed in, they continued to have a very loud and very lively conversation about a recently hospitalized friend.

This went on for several floors. They did not move nor quiet down at all  when we stopped at different floors; people had to squeeze past them to get out. They just continued their animated and, what should have been a very private conversation, as though no one else existed.

Finally they departed the elevator once we reached the eighth floor. When the doors finally closed, we all just looked at each other and smiled. One brave women said to all of us, "Oh. My. God. Shut up already!" We all broke out into laughter and continued our now quiet ride lost in our own thoughts.

When I got off on the 16th floor, I hurried to the nurse's station to start a chart review for a patient referred to our hospice service. Once seated, I became aware of a conversation between two nurses. They were talking about their mothers. On and on they went, complaining about one thing and then another.  I could hear them from where I sat, about 20 feet away.  I am sure that many patients heard them as well. Part of me wanted to scream, "OMG, shut up already." But I sat silent and just did my work.  Later, I went to talk with the patient and family about hospice; a very painful subject for them. The patient's room was near to where the nurses were having their spirited conversation. Once in the room, and even with the door shut, I could still hear them laughing and talking loudly. I am sure the patient and her family could hear them as well.  It was not only unprofessional, it was down right rude.

This scene plays out thousands of times every single hour in every corner of the world.  People having loud conversations about private matters for all to hear no matter the setting. They do it into their cellphones, face to face and into little cameras perched atop computers oblivious to anyone around them.

They do it in elevators, public restrooms, hallways, trains, buses, stores and restaurants. They feel entitled to have these conversations regardless of who can hear them or who they are interrupting or annoying. They become angry if you tell them to be quiet during public performances like the ballet, the theater or the movies.

I just don't get this new kind of brashness.  When did it start?  And is it me, or is it becoming worse?

I cannot stand it anymore. I mean, I cannot go anywhere it seems without people talking out loud about very private matters. Without people acting as though this is perfectly normal and that they are entitled to do what they want, where they want and when they want.

So when did this all become the new norm?  With the proliferation of cellphone use? With the idea that we can be reached anywhere, anytime, anyplace? Or did it start decades ago when TV talk show hosts started talking about private matters to a national audience. Should I be blaming Phil Donahue? Or perhaps Oprah?

I am not sure. I can remember, and perhaps I am dating myself, but I recall people going into a private phone booth and shutting the doors so no one could hear their conversation when in public. I recall people whispering to one another.  I recall being quiet at the library. I recall people not wanting everyone to hear everything they were saying.  I recall being quiet during performances. 

So when did all of that change.  And why?  Will it ever end?  And, more importantly, is the worse yet to come.

I don't know. But what I do know is that I am jumping onto the "OMG... Just Shut Up" bandwagon.  I won't say it out loud all of the time, of course I won't. I don't want to be rude. But I will be thinking it. And I will remind people that perhaps they should take their conversation elsewhere when I feel it is appropriate. Like those nurses. I should have said something.

I also want to scream it at the TV news anchors and the political pundits as well.  We just don't want to hear every personal private issue of everyone on the planet.

Or do we?

Perhaps that is why reality TV is so popular.  Who knows.

Anyway, I think it time we start to call people out on their bad behavior in public. Start asking people to just stop. Tell them they are invading our privacy by forcing us to hear private, intimate details of their lives that we just don't care to hear about. And stopping ourselves from doing the same.

We object to smokers and ask them to step outside. I think it is high time we start requiring the blabbers to do the same.

 I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.~~~Ellen DeGeneres

Never miss a chance to shut up ~~~Will Rogers

It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.~~~Maurice Switzer

Embrace the tradition, even if you don't feel thankful this year.

Well, it is almost Thanksgiving. And I know a lot of people who have really nothing to feel thankful about this year. I think about them, and it makes me sad. Some have lost a loved one. Some have been diagnosed with cancer. Some have lost their job. One family has lost a child. I know that not one of them is looking forward to the holidays.

And I don't blame them.  The holidays are tough enough without those awful things.

So what can they do?  What can any of us do?

The only thing we can do.  Get through the day as best we can. Some will bow out this year and just stay home for a quiet meal.  Others will still attend family get togethers steeling themselves for the inevitable question, "So, how are you doing?'  Most dread that question.  It is funny, most people only ask that question to folks they know have had a rough year.  If you have won a million dollars in the lottery, no one really wants to know about that.  And many people, once you start to tell them your woes, chime in with their own, as though it is some sort of contest to see who is worse off. No wonder most clam up. I don't blame them.

So, what is the thing to do? Drop out for the year?  Still participate but sit quietly and leave early?  Get drunk?

I guess the best thing to do is what feels right.  For you.  Not for your mother or sister or friends. So what if they will be disappointed. They will surely get over it. But don't expect them to understand. They won't.

Everyone experiences their own reality. Some can just shrug things off and pretend that there is nothing wrong.  They seem to be enjoying themselves. Others sit and act morose the whole time.  And others will simply disengage. And it is all alright. Allow yourself to indulge in your own whims and tell others that this is how you best cope with the bad events of the year. Ask them to forgive your selfishness, but explain this is how you are protecting your heart. Perhaps they will best understand if you put it that way.

 We all want happy holidays.  We want them for ourselves, our loved ones, our kids.  We have a picture in our minds of how they should look and feel. Of how everyone should act. But they rarely turn out that way and many times we find ourselves sadly disappointed.  So, especially if you have had a bad year, allow yourself to expect less. Embrace the tradition, but let go of the expectations. Or create a new tradition. One that allows you to include a relative that is no longer here. Or one that celebrates new beginnings. Let go of the expectations of others and create something that has your own unique mark.

The holidays are fraught with so much emotion.  So many memories. So much weight on our shoulders. So much work and preparation. Much of it can be joyful, but it doesn't come easy. And there is oftentimes a lot of sadness.  Sadness for things that have passed and sadness for things that will never be again.

So, if you feel sad, embrace the sadness. Don't try to pretend it doesn't exist. And if people do ask the inevitable question, "How are you doing," love yourself enough to answer honestly. Don't get angry, it is a dumb question, especially if you have lost a loved one.  But take a deep breath and say that "This has not been the best year and to celebrate a holiday without a loved one doesn't really need an explanation, now does it."

And let it go at that.

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way. ~~~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. ~~~Erich Fromm

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. ~~~Rita Mae Brown



Moving forward.

"When there is no place to go, I guess we still have to move forward."

A patient with end stage ovarian cancer said that to me yesterday as I was organizing her discharge home onto our hospice service.  She is young and pretty and kind and smart, and she is right. Moving forward is her only option.  And ours, too.

Sometimes we don't want to move forward.  We like things the way the are. The status quo. We want to stay put.

We may have a good thing going right now.  A great job, neighborhood, family.  And we love it. Life feels good and we want it to stay like that.  But then something alters it. A death in the family.  A friend who moves, kids who grow up and change. And even though we see the change and know that we need to keep moving along with the change, it is hard.  And some of us dig our heels in deep and try to remain with things just as they were, ignoring the changes all around us.

Some would call that denial.  And that may be true. But life keeps going forward even if we don't want it to, denial or not.  And I think that is difficult for so many of us to embrace.

Facing death is certainly difficult. But we die a thousand tiny deaths all of the time. And we mourn them without realizing it.

Holidays without loved ones who shared those good times with us for decades. Kids who grow up and leave and don't want to do the things we  always did when they were younger. Friends who get divorced or move out of town or simply vanish. Neighborhoods with for sale signs, new teachers at school, co-workers who retire.

All of these are life altering in their own way. We think that they are not that important, but they are.   And what many of us do is to hold tight and pretend that things are the same without thinking about it much.  We say, oh well, these things happen. We try to pretend all is well, even though we know deep down they are not.

And we don't really move forward. We stay stuck in the past, or try to hold onto a  present that no longer exists.  We try to make things the same.  And they are not.

"We will try to keep things as normal as we can for the kids." This is what my patient's husband said to me when we talked about him bringing his wife home on hospice.  And by that he meant that they would keep schedules the same, have them go for playdates and keep their routine as close to "normal" as it had been when mom was in charge.

But his wife, who was lying in the bed listening, did not agree.

"Life is changing for them, whether you want to believe it or not. I don't want them in their normal routine, there is nothing normal about what is happening.  I want to be with them as much as I can. Do special things with them. They have to move forward and I want to point them in the right direction. We will move forward for as long as we can together, and then you will all move forward without me.  It will be hard, but that is the best we can do."

As she said this, her stoic husband slowly sat down on the chair next to her bed, covered his face with his hands and wept. He said he didn't want to move forward. Couldn't face a life without her.  He lamented how mind-blowing this all was and that he thought if they just kept things as "normal as possible" then they could just stay put. 

I think we all want to think like that. But it simply cannot be done.

Life moves forward even when we don't want it to. Changes happen each and every day. We really have no control, although we think we do and hold on like hell. And short of staying in bed with the covers on over our heads, we have to eventually deal with them.

And that is the problem. We don't know how to do that.  We don't always know how best to move forward, especially when we don't want to.

I pray for the best for this family. The one thing that they will have is a lot of support.  The wife is wise and gets it.  Most people refuse to think this way. And that takes it toll after all is said and done. So, these kids are lucky in that sense.

But most of us don't get it, or don't want to.  Our lives feel off, but we are not sure why.  And the reason may be that we are just not allowing ourselves and those around us to move forward. We may be grudingly holding on to a life that has simply moved beyond us, even though we are holding fast. And that in itself can make us sick or depressed or anxious.

So, what is the trick.? How do we move forward?  How will this family move forward? Wish that I knew for sure.  But if you asked my patient, she would tell you, just like she told me and her husband, that to move forward you simply have to just let go, just be. Accept the changes and as much as you hate them, find something that feels good and head there one step at a time.

Wise words and a good lesson for all. Death is a great teacher. If only we would listen while we all still have so much time.


All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr. 

Our only security is our ability to change. ~John Lilly

How to (really) deal with stress.

Stress. We all suffer from stress at one time or another. There are books and medications and web-sites and even Dr. Phil on tv and all of this is meant to help us cope better with the stress of our lives. And how has it really helped us?  Well, we are more stressed than ever before.

We are stressed by just about every turn in life. Our jobs. Our kid's performance in school.  Our financial portfolio. The mess in our house. The endless to do list.

We don't have enough money. We aren't thin enough. We feel bad about our co-workers or boss. A loved one is sick. We have been diagnosed with something awful. We lost our job. Our dog died.  We cannot pay our bills.

The list goes on and on. And you cannot really rate stress. You cannot say that one stress is worse than another. It is all in the eyes of the beholder. And it all feels the same. Stress is, well, stress.

And we all feel it. No one is immune. Sometimes it is like a low electrical current that is just something we live with day to day.  Or maybe we have calm days and then explosive days.  Or sometimes we are under a cloud so thick we feel like we cannot breath. And we shut down. We wear our responsibilities like a noose around our necks. And it is hard to breath.

Stress is universal. I am not sure we could be living human beings without it. And many have pounced on this fact and there are books and CDs and professional counselors and gym memberships and massage therapy and anti-stress creams and what not all designed to eliminate the stress of our lives. Somewhere, someone is making a fortune from our stress. Mainly the pharmaceutical giants.

But we stay stressed anyway.

So, what is the answer? I wish I knew. I feel stressed at times as well. And I have tried all the things they say to do; walking, deep breathing, writing things down, yoga, putting things into perspective.  I have really done it all. And you know what works best?

Xanax. 

But in the morning, there it is. Stress. Rearing it's ugly head once again.

To be honest, I have learned a lot about coping with stress from the people I work with who have a lot of it. My patients. They make most of my stress go away. Many times my stress just disappears because I am  just happy I am not them. I am happy that I have a healthy child. That I am still healthy. That my husband is still healthy. That I can still go and do ordinary things.

And therein lies the answer to stress.

Embracing the ordinary. Embracing yourself.

All these books and such that say to do this or that to control the stress of your lives is just, well, bullshit. You have to go into survival mode. You have to embrace what is truly important to you, what is your true essence. Then you have to build a wall to protect it, because everywhere you turn someone is trying to rip it away.

Becoming real is the best protection.  Facades in your life that you are trying to hold up becomes exhausting.  Why can't we be just who we are?

I think that is why people who are really sick and dying have little stress.  They have fear, but not stress. Why? All that has been stripped away from them.  They have discovered what was  important all along. And some people, if they get better, live by this new rule. But others don't and they return to their regular lives and everyday stress.

I think it is because most people are afraid of change.  They would rather live their stressed out lives than to face the fear of changing it. I understand that. But it is a shame. Because stress makes your life shorter.  It makes you sick, literally. It makes those around you want to run. So there you are, stressed, sick and alone.  Not a pretty picture at all.

So, what to do? Well, you could do like most people, just simply live with it.  Muster on. Perhaps take a slew of drugs to control your high blood pressure, your depression, your anxiety, your stomach ailments and your headaches. You can lose yourself each night to crappy TV. You can sleep a lot. You can drink. Or you can be one of those crazed people who never sit still because sitting still makes you think and thinking makes you even more stressed.

Or you can do this; make a list of the things that describe the true essence of who you are.  Not your family or your kids, just you. Who are you?  What makes you tick?  What makes your heart sing?  Figure that out and write it down. Now write down your real life on a list next to it.  All the external things that keep you apart from your true essence. Then make a choice. Decide how you can return to the real you. Or at least part of the real you. Even a little you is better than none.

And that is it. Start living for yourself. Stop trying to impress others.  No one is really keeping score, and if they are, so what. Start being real and tell others what you really think.  (Well, in a nice way.)  Start by saying no to the things you don't want to do and occasionally say yes to the things you need to do.

Fix yourself up. Feel good about how you look on the outside. Self image is really important. It arms you. It protects you a bit.

And protect your body, the inside, while you are dealing with all the turmoil in your life.  Take a vitamin pill daily.  Drink water. Get some sleep. Stretch. Walk. Take deep breaths.  I call them stress breaks.  They don't eliminate stress, but they help you cope. And they are good for your heart. And if you mess up your heart you are in big trouble.

And go out into nature. Most people do not do this. Not really. Remember when you were a kid and you delighted in playing outside?  Do you really think because we are adults we don't need that anymore?

So start liking yourself again. You are all you have. Take care of that and everything else may become a bit easier. And a bit easier really does make you smile. And smiling makes your heart sing. And isn't that the essence of life anyway?

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
 ~e.e. cummings, 1955

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.
~Jim Beggs

Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces.
~Marcel Proust

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
~Mark Twain

A nurse's nightmare.

  

You see us at MD offices, on hospital floors, in your home. We can be chatty and kind, intense and focused, sometimes chided for being abrupt like a nurse Ratched. We are moms and sisters and aunts and grandmothers. We seem like nice people. Many are amazed that we can do what we do every day.  And we always seem nonplussed by it all. Like we are going off for just another day of work and coming home and getting on with our daily chores and lives.

It looks that way, it does.

But you cannot always tell a book by its cover.

We don't talk much about our days, especially those of us who work with the critically ill and dying.  And why would we?  Who wants to hear about that?  We don't even like to hear about that.

We bury it way down, or at least try to. But occasionally, it comes back up. We feel stressed and sad. Sometimes despair creeps in.  Life seems unfair and we are powerless to help. It can all become too much to bear.

A nine year old that dies. A mother with two kids, 44 years old, sent home on hospice to die. A woman who needed emergency heart surgery dead of a simple complication. A man who was cut off on the highway while riding his motorcycle (with a helmet) dead of a head injury, extubated with his 15 year old son standing next to his bed.  An ALS patient who cannot breath at 3pm on a beautiful Monday afternoon.  A man who came in with a cough, leaving with a death sentence of small cell lung cancer after a routine CAT scan.

I could fill pages with the patients I have seen.  And this abbreviated list was compiled in just my prior working week. 

I am not complaining or looking for any sympathy.  I don't need or deserve it. My patients and their families do however. 

I am not an angel, special or a saint. I have been called all, as so many others in the medical field have been called. But we don't see it that way. We try to be helpful, compassionate and competent. We try to make people healthy and well; and when that fails we try to make them comfortable. It is all we can do. Many times, it falls short of the mark.  Feels like it is never enough. And many times it isn't.

It would seem as though this is the stuff of nightmares; of what could keep me up at night fretting about the tragedy of life and our own unknown futures. But it isn't. This is not what my nightmares are made of.

So what is it? I will tell you. It is seeing healthy people blindly leading their lives who just don't get it. It is watching people continue to smoke knowing that it will shorten their lives eventually and reduce the quality of it dramatically. It is watching someone not paying enough attention to their kids or being cruel to them under the umbrella of  "discipline."  It is hearing people talk about the petty nonsense of their lives looking for sympathy and being angry when it doesn't come their way, lamenting that "no one understands me." It is dealing with people who have never seen tragedy in their lives and who are selfish and never lend a hand to anyone else.

I know that sounds a bit angry, and perhaps it is.  And perhaps I have been guilty of some of it myself.  But the truth is, most of us don't really want to get it. We like protecting ourselves with our day to day lives and our trivial complaints, it is safe there. We hope we never have to deal with tragedy. We hope to be blessed with the mundane.

And that is why we nurses and doctors don't talk about our days. No one wants to hear about the bad we see. If they don't hear it, they don't have to acknowledge that it exists. They don't have to learn from it.  They don't have to feel it.

I can certainly understand that. But it is a shame because death has so much to teach us about life.

We don't have to think about death or disease to know about life. We can go through each and every day without giving it a thought until it is presented to us. But what we miss by thinking that way and shielding ourselves is huge.

Honestly, the happiest people I know are those who stop trying to harden themselves to the truths of life.  The happiest people I know are those who have softened themselves and let life and love in, with all of it's scary, messy feelings.

Being strong enough to let down your guard and actually love someone without abandon, that is true freedom.  And freedom is happiness.  But most people don't do this until they face a sure end, when they finally feel they have nothing left to lose. But what they failed to realize, as most of us do, is that they never had anything to lose to begin with. Not really. And by the time most come to this conclusion, it is too late. And they die with much regret, leaving regret in their wake for future generations, the ones they had sought to protect. 

Not living life fully, that is my nightmare. It is not the patients I have seen and tried to help. They were my teachers. I am forever in their debt.  I don't want their lessons to go unheard. That would be the true tragedy. The scariest nightmare of all.



Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
~~~Bertolt Brecht

Until you divest yourself of the notion that you are a collection of needs, an empty vessel that someone else must fill up, there will be no safe place to harbor yourself, no safe shore to reach. As long as you think mostly of getting, you will have nothing real to give.
~~~Merle Shain

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
~~~Steve Jobs