And then suddenly, a text comes over my phone. I need help with my hospice patient, a nurse says. Can you come?
So I do.
It's a woman my age. In my town. Diagnosed with a brain cancer not long ago. Now needing hospice. Failing fast. Family in panic mode. What's happening? She can't be dying. We didn't have enough time. Why now? Why her? My God what's happening? Chaos.
The anguish is brutal. I have seen it so many times in my career, but each time it feels raw.
And she did indeed die. And it was indeed bad. And it felt so unexpected. Just like so many others. But it struck me differently this time. Because we are the same age? Perhaps. Or maybe because I am very guilty of taking time for granted.
It made me think about time. And time slowed down while I pondered it. I started doing less, thinking more. I started to think about things that mattered to me. I started to unwind a bit.
What if I died tomorrow. What would I have accomplished with my time here? It's sobering to think about really. Sure, I have a home and a family. But what am I leaving behind as my legacy? Did I use my time to create good memories of me? Do I want those memories to be of a clean home and folded laundry and to do lists? We get so caught up in that and some things just have to be done, but still.
I started working on my scrapbooks. I want my daughter to remember our lives together. I always put them aside and said, when I have more time I'll get these together. I texted friends I have been meaning to contact. I made handmade Valentine's cards for friends. I stopped being obsessed with my to do list. As a matter of fact, I discarded it. I brought cupcakes to work. I watched the birds outside my window for a very long time. I played with my dogs longer than usual. I did things I wanted to do "someday" now. And I am going to keep on that path to the end. I do have the time. I just have to make these things, things that sing to my heart, and not just my practical side, a priority, and let other things take a backseat.
I hear people talk about retirement. About all the projects they will work on and how they will finally go see their grandchildren more and read more and travel more. And I stay silent, because I know that the "someday" doesn't always come. All good things do not always come to those who wait.
Now is much better than someday. Someday is a promise we may not be able to keep. But we can keep a promise now. We actually do have the time. We don't own the time, but it's ours for now. We only get to borrow it. Use it wisely.
"I wish for a world where people understand that life is short. So today is the time to do big things."
~ Robin Sharma
"You may delay, but time will not."
~ Benjamin Franklin
"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late."
~ William Shakespeare
