Growing up in a culture of mean.

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. ~Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt


I watch a lot of TV with my almost 12 year old daughter. I like to see what she is watching. Kids learn a lot from TV and other media as well. But mostly TV.

And what I see is a whole lotta mean.

Let's start with SpongeBob Squarepants. A funny enough program. Until my then 5 year old started calling everyone an idiot. She did that because of Squidward. She had no idea what idiot meant, but how bad could it be? I mean, Squidward is saying it, on TV no less.

Fast forward a few years. Now we have TV shows that show parents to be utter morons and way too much reality TV that is far from real. And what do we have? Kids and adults who think that mean is funny.

And I think adults are sometimes worse than the kids, quite honestly.

I just don't get it. We are so afraid of a swear word here and there, but we allow this utter mean nonsense into our lives. And we tivo it for goodness sakes.

Look, I am no goody two shoes. I have said things no child should hear in the car with my daughter listening.

But I am not mean. I do not call people names (well, unless they cut me off in traffic) and I don't make fun of people. I don't belittle people and think that it is funny.

But we are exposed to this daily, sometimes even more frequently. And I think it is the worst thing ever.

Now, I am not saying that anything should be censored. I know people will say that you can just shut those things off and not watch them. Fair enough.

But I think we are too far beyond that. I think we live in a culture of mean. A culture where anything goes. Where manners have disappeared. Where being mean is considered cool. And I think it is sad.

If there was a show on TV that showed respectable kids like Leave it to Beaver or shows I grew up with, they would not last long. I sometimes have my daughter watch old reruns of these shows and she is like, "Can I go now?" And I am sure that if we had had shows like they have today we would have watched them, too. And why not.

But that is all my daughter and her classmates know. This is the culture they are growing up in.

And that is hard to change.

I know there are no answers. No solutions. Not really. I do watch these new shows and suggest to my daughter that they are mean spirited. And she says she knows. That she gets it. But the shows are funny. And "all the kids watch them."

I suppose that is true.

So, how do you survive in a culture of mean?

And I am not simply talking about kids now. I cannot even watch Sunday morning TV anymore as the political pundits are just as mean as some of the characters on Family Guy. Just less funny.

I don't know. I am not sure where this whole thing will go. Perhaps it will go nowhere. Maybe it really won't matter after all. Maybe I am worrying about nothing.

After all, our parents and grandparents lamented when rock and roll came about, and we all turned out okay. So maybe I am just overreacting.

But the thing is, rock and roll did not make me feel bad. But this new culture sure does.

I am not sure it is worth the few laughs it gets. Seems we are all just more miserable than ever. No one is happy and laughing more that I can see.

I guess I just don't get it. Nor do I want to. Not really.

So I will just keep doing the things that make us happy. Like being outdoors, playing and taking care of animals, watching documentary films that they all complain about but like, making art, traveling, seeing art and listening to music. A little here and there sprinkled in our weeks. A bit of softness and love that perhaps will drown out the mean.

Surrounding ourselves with things that feed our soul is the only protection I can think of. Because we can't just turn off the culture we find ourselves in. Not really.

But we don't have to buy into it, either.

Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree. ~Marian Wright Edelman

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are. ~Author Unknown

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

When you wake up everyday

Please don't throw your dreams away

Hold them close to your heart

Cause we are all a part

Of the ordinary miracle...

Happy February Vacation Week.

What's Good About Goodbye / The Promise (I'll Never Say Goodbye) - Nancy...

One of my favorite singers...she died at a young age from uterine cancer.

A beautiful love song for Valentine's Day. Crank it up and dance with the one you love.

And if I never
Leave your arms,
I really would have
Traveled everywhere
For my world
Is there.

When I say always
I mean forever
I trust tomorrow
As much as today
I am not afraid
To say I love you
And I promise you
I'll never say goodbye.

Don't forget to say the words.

Looking back, I have this to regret;
That too often when I loved, I did not say so.
~~~David Grayson


Oh, the unspoken word. I cannot tell you how many times I hear people say that they wish they had told someone that they loved them, or that they were special to them or that they were important in their lives. So many regrets. So much pain that could have been avoided.

I am sure we all have meant to tell at least one person that we loved them and then didn't, and it really was too late. But most likely we still have a chance, we just feel that it is too late. That too much time has gone by or a silly disagreement left us apart for too long.

Or maybe we think it is corny or we are too embarrassed to tell someone how we really feel.

Well, I am here to tell you that it is not too late as long as that someone is breathing. So get over it. Time to put on your big girl panties or your big boy boxers and just get on with it.

Stop procrastinating. Stop making excuses. Stop thinking you have time. You may not. And then you will be filled with regret.

It is simply not worth it.

I have met so many people that will never hear I love you from a mom or a dad, brother or sister, best friend or loving Aunt. This is what the person probably thought; they thought, "Oh, they know that I love them." But then they were gone and the words were not spoken.

And just so that you know, knowing and hearing are different. We want affirmation of love. With words. Repeatedly. Or at least occasionally.

So what better occasion to tell someone you love them than Valentine's day. A perfect day to say the words. Or to write them down in a note and send them. Do not text, do not email. A card is a treasure that one can keep. An email, not so much.

Hug your kids and tell them that you love them; your husband, your wife, your significant other, too. But also call your brother or sister, your mom and dad or that old friend you haven't talked to in awhile. Or send a note that says, "You mean a lot to me, just wanted you to know."

It takes so little time to make someone feel great. Two seconds and a 44 cent stamp.

Really? Really.

So, what are you waiting for?

Here are some ideas:

* Write on a card 14 things you love or admire about your spouse, friend or family member. Fourteen special things for the 14th day of February. People love that. So much better than a store bought verse.

* Look through old forgotten pictures and send one to an old friend or family member. So many of our pictures sit forgotten on shelves or in boxes. Someone would really enjoy an old memory.

* Make a memory scrapbook for Valentine's day, or any special day for that matter. (We do Christmas). Put pics and cards and write what you did. Add photos. Just a page. Just tape them in or buy a clear plastic pocket folder insert. Not a big time commitment. But each year when you look back you will be glad that you did because we forget so much.

* Okay, flowers are easy because you don't have to do anything but spend money. So do it. Everyone loves flowers. Just send a handwritten note with them.

* Buy a card or make one. Or write a poem down on a pretty piece of paper. What ever. But do something. No one will remember the card so much as the fact that they didn't get one.

The point is to do something. Valentine's Day may not be as important as Christmas or Easter or Passover, but it is the universal day of love. And we all have someone that we love.

So tell them. They want to know. They would love to know.

I promise, you won't regret it.

Kenny Chesney - The Good Stuff

Do broken hearts mend?

Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past.
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last,
That didn't last.
With bits of memories scattered here and there,
I look around and don't know where to start.

I see a lot of heartbreak in my job. Spouses married for decades losing the love of their life. Newly married couples stunned to find out they have just months left after searching years for one another. Lovers separated by years and miles who found each other in their golden years, hoping to grow old together, but certainly won't.

It is sad and unending, but somehow still shocking and surprising.

I guess I have been thinking a lot about love since we are in that month of love, February. Valentine's day. All those shiny hearts hanging everywhere. But these hearts that I see will surely be broken.

And I wonder. For good?

I know lots of people who have suffered broken hearts along the way, myself included. But we grew up and moved on and found new loves or new interests and the wound somehow healed. There may be a flicker of pain occasionally, but it dissipates readily.

But these wounds are different. Lives that are certainly intertwined now coming apart. Memories that seem to have only each other now becoming painful instead of sweet.

Lives built. Houses filled. Homes made. Families raised. Two people who have hung on for dear life and survived intact after bitter disappointment. Two people who have celebrated milestones. Two people who really only know life with one another. A life they lived for so long. One that they thought would never end.

So how do you mend a heart when your whole life goes away?

I have three couples who have been together decades that I am currently taking care of; an elderly gentleman and his lovely wife, a younger unmarried couple in their forties and another long time married duo in their 60's. Each has a spouse or significant other dying from a nasty cancer.

They talk to me a lot about things they used to do before the illness. Most don't want the illness to define their marriage or their relationship. They show me paintings and projects, work being done on their house, pictures of kids and grandkids. They talk of trips they hope to somehow still take, birthdays coming up, how they hope to return "to normal" once again. But there will never be a normal again. Just a new normal. A new reality.

They try to be strong. But they are holding on tight to the life they once had. So afraid to let go. They tell me they don't know what to do. They haven't even made funeral plans. They can't think about it. They cry. They become silent. They look down at their hands. They seem lost.

I never say anything then. I just let them talk. I allow them their silence. I know that nothing I will say will make it any better. They know that I know how this will all end.

But what I don't know is, how will it all begin again. How will their heart feel a day, a week, two years from now. I know that everyone grieves differently. Some soldier on and others collapse and hide. But no one really knows what goes on inside another's heart.

So I guess there is no real answer to the question of a broken heart. I suppose we will all find out when we get there. So we will just keep loving and living until that happens.

The quote I started with is a song about a life coming apart, who knows why. It talks about how you cannot separate the present from the past, how you never really move on completely. How the heart never really mends and never really forgets. It doesn't say that you are sad. It just says the heart remembers, so that seems right to me. That a piece of everyone we have ever really loved stays with us always.

And that is a comforting thought. That is what makes love so worth it. Our hearts are strong and will survive, wounds and all.

The song ends like this;

One day there'll be a song
or something in the air again.
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again,
A moment in,
What might have been.
Where do you start.
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry.
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye.
I guess you try.
And though I don't know where and don't know when
I'll find myself in love again
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see
A tiny part within my heart
That stays in love with you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

A little fishing tale.

One day, there was a man who lived a modest, but happy life in a small fishing village. Every day he woke up, played with his two kids, had breakfast with his wife and went to fish. At night, he returned home with his fish to sell in the market the next morning. He had a wonderful dinner each night by an outside fire and he and his family played games and read until bedtime. They had many friends in the village who stopped by all of the time. They were really happy.

Then a friend from a big city came to visit. He told the man, you are not successful. You need to get your degree and go to work in the city and provide a better life for yourself and your family. Ashamed, the man agreed. They sold their small hut, and left to what they thought would be a brighter future.

The man and his wife bought a beautiful home that needed a lot of upkeep. The man never had time to play and have breakfast with his wife and kids. He hardly ever fished anymore. His kids went to fine schools and attended many activities, but were never happy anymore. They missed their dad and their mom, who had to go to work as well to maintain this life. No one came over to visit because everyone they knew were also very busy.

After the kids were off to college and on their own, the man and his wife decided that they were now ready to retire, as the man had had a heart attack from working so hard. He worked and saved all these years so that he could afford to retire in a little fishing village.

The man and his wife moved back to the small, little fishing village and bought a new hut. He gets up every morning and has breakfast with his wife and goes off fishing. He is very happy now, sorry that he had to leave this life for so many years so that he could call himself a success. Now all of his friends from the big city are impressed that he can retire to such a fine, comfortable village and be so happy and stress-free. What they fail to realize is that he could have had this all of his life and his children would have been happier, he would have been healthier, and they would have all been just fine. All of his friends that still work in the big city are working even harder now so that they, too, can afford to move to a fishing village and be happy and fish everyday.

They want to have his success now, too.

Eva Cassidy - What A Wonderful World (Live 1996) (Louis Armstrong)

This gorgeous voice was silenced by melanoma when she was only in her early thirties.
It reminds me that the world is indeed a very beautiful place to be, but it can also be so damn cruel.

Here is a link to a Nightline story about Eva Cassidy.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/video/rainbow--10170062

What the New Year brings.

Last night was New Year's Eve and I worked a 12 hour shift. I admitted a woman to our hospice house whose daughter had to make the grueling decision to stop her mom's dialysis treatments and let her die. The mom has advanced cancer, cannot eat or drink and is in pain. She is 79 years old. The dialysis kept her alive. Now she will surely die and the daughter was in despair.

"This is the worst New Year's Eve of my life," she said to me as she sat in the green recliner chair next to her mom's bed and cried.

I look at her and nodded. No words were really needed. I understood. It was only a few short years ago that my brother and I made the same decision to stop life support for our dad.

"You made the right decision," I told her. And I told her I knew how hard it would be, how she will continue to second guess herself, how she will be sad.

Then she looked at me and said, "So, what will the New Year bring? Where will it take me. I always lived with my mom. What will I do now? Do I start over?"

Good question.

Good question indeed.

We all feel a desire for a new start every once in a while. The New Year promises a fresh start, but it is usually more of the same, even though we make a lot of resolutions. And we trudge on hoping for a change perhaps, hoping there is some magic in the turn of a new year.

But we seldom find it.

So, what does the New Year bring?

I am not sure. I guess it brings new expectations. And that can feel like a burden at times.

So I told her that the New Year has a lot of false promises. We want to have a fresh, new, happy start, but that is not always possible. Actually it is seldom possible. Even in the best of times.

But it does not have to be all doom and gloom. We can just accept ourselves and our lives and and try to love ourselves despite all the bad and despite the unknown. If we want change, it is not going to come more easily if we beat ourselves up over it. Maybe instead of having a bunch of resolutions we will most likely break, we should just resolve to do things we enjoy and that bring us joy, even if fleeting.

I asked the patient's daughter what they normally did on New Year's Eve. She told me her mom always made soda bread and they sat down to tea.

So, we made tea in the hospice house kitchen and toasted her mom for a glorious life well lived. And we toasted the daughter and made a toast to a life that will be sad for a while, but that will have wonderful memories to take along that will comfort her along the way.

She smiled. We laughed at some funny stories.

And the New Year brought joy, however briefly.

“When you wish someone joy, you wish them peace,
love, prosperity, happiness... all the good things.”
~~~ Maya Angelou

“Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by.”
~~~Carl Sandburg

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
~~~Thich Nhat Hanh

A poem I share with the bereaved.

I Am Fishing for God

I am fishing for God,
using my heart as bait.
It is just before dawn,
the slightest hint of
pink bleeds into the
night sky.

I use my pen knife to cut the
hole in my chest,
reaching behind the
pocket of my shirt.

What a tough muscle
to pull the hook through.

The heart is astonished
to be in this other world
and trembles and shivers like
a moth discovered in daylight.

I try to calm it by stroking it,
by telling it that it will all be ok,
but what do I know.

The breeze picks up and
chills the cavern
in my chest.
It feels good to
be empty at last.

I cast my heart
across the water.

I cast it again
and again.

Sometimes it floats on
the surface,
other times it sinks
below.

Something will strike at it
that I can't see. I pray
I am using the right bait.

The tough outer layers
soften in the water.
The heart grows
smaller, more pliant.

It has become a beautiful
blue jewel. I begin
not to recognize it.

Was this me?
It waits. I wait.
The boat rocks
slightly in the breeze
lifted and lowered
by the tide.


Copyright © 2004 Stuart Kestenbaum