Abraham Maslow's 8 Ways to Self-Actualize

1. Experience things fully, vividly, selflessly. Throw yourself into the experiencing of something: concentrate on it fully, let it totally absorb you.

2. Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth): Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.

3. Let the self emerge. Try to shut out the external clues as to what you should think, feel, say, and so on, and let your experience enable you to say what you truly feel.

4. When in doubt, be honest. If you look into yourself and are honest, you will also take responsibility. Taking responsibility is self-actualizing.

5. Listen to your own tastes. Be prepared to be unpopular.

6. Use your intelligence, work to do well the things you want to do, no matter how insignificant they seem to be.

7. Make peak experiencing more likely: get rid of illusions and false notions. Learn what you are good at and what your potentialities are not.

8. Find out who you are, what you are, what you like and don't like, what is good and what is bad for you, where you are going, what your mission is. Opening yourself up to yourself in this way means identifying defenses - and then finding the courage to give them up.

~~~ Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist.

Love yourself first.

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. ~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Do you remember the first thing that entered into your mind today when you first woke up? How about when you were showering or making coffee or driving to an activity or work. What were you thinking about. Do you even remember?

I will bet that you were either criticizing yourself or thinking about something that needed to be done for someone else.

We all do it. And we do it way too often.

What we hardly ever do when we wake up is to start our day by loving ourselves. We don't say "good morning" to ourselves and plan our day to please ourselves. That would seem way too narcissistic and self-centered, right? And who has time for that anyway.

And we may actually think we are doing things for ourselves. We may exercise, but, if we were honest, we would recognize that we are doing it because our inner critic thinks we are perhaps a bit too fat. And that is not really self love. Or we may dress a certain way or try to look a certain way, and it may seem as though we are trying to please ourselves, but most times we do that for others, not ourselves. And most times we feel as though we never measure up anyway, no matter what we do.

The list goes on and on.

And when we do finally get around to doing something just for ourselves, we feel bad. Selfish and guilty.

We need to stop all that. Yes, we really do.

I see so many people at the end of a life; their life. The only one they get. But most did not really live too many days of that life just for themselves. They did not always take the time to love themselves enough. And many really regret that. They really do.

I am not saying that you should become self centered and never care for anyone. I am saying that you need to love yourself first to be better equipped to love others more. And in doing so, it will bring more love and happiness into your own life.

It is not easy to do, to love ourselves. So we instead do other things. We numb ourselves. We eat too much. We spend too much. We watch too much dumb TV to escape ourselves. And we justify doing this because we think that we "deserve it." But we never really feel better, do we. It is really more like we are punishing ourselves, not rewarding ourselves. And certainly not loving ourselves.

So tomorrow when you wake up, start thinking first of yourself. Feel what you feel. Love yourself enough to feed yourself good food and take deep breaths and relax, even for just a few moments. Tell someone "no" when you really do not want to do something. (No is actually a complete sentence.) Do things that 'feel' good instead of always 'doing' good. Think of something that you just "don't have the time for," like walking, knitting, ice skating, reading, swimming or whatever you enjoy but have not done and find at least 30 minutes this week to do them. Find me time. Schedule me time. Be a good example to others what self love looks like. Teach your kids this. It will be the most important thing you teach them. Model by doing. Stop being a martyr. Start loving yourself.

You get one shot at this. One life that really only belongs to you. You do. I wish I could scream this from my rooftop, that is how important it is.

Days, weeks, years, decades go by and you look back and you wonder, where did I go. What happened to me? What was I so afraid of?

So, love yourself first. Have a love affair with yourself. Don't wait. You are worth it. You really are.

It's not your job to like me - it's mine~~~Byron Katie

To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.
~~~Alan Cohen

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
~~~Buddha

Two words that can simplify your life.

I recently learned two words that can simplify any life from a very wise, wonderful patient that I had the privilege to care for. She was in her late 70's and lived a very colorful, very happy life. She was well educated, well traveled, well read and well loved.

Her home in Cambridge was lovely, but also quietly simple. It felt calm just being there. The walls were quite bare, except for one wall that had, in large, scripted handwriting, two words: Consume less.

She told me that they embodied her philosophy of life. And how these two words could help anyone if they just followed its simple wisdom.

It rang true.

Think about it. These two words are powerful. And these two words could solve most of life's problems.

Want to save more money? Lose weight? Cut down on all the hard working hours you are forced to put in to make ends meet? Do you want to spend more time on meaningful things like family and friends? Want to help the earth? Want to teach your kids valuable lessons?

Well, consume less. That is the answer to all of the above questions.

But could it really be that simple?

Yes, it really could. But it doesn't mean that it is easy to do.

The trouble is, we are a nation of consumers. We like stuff. We like things super-sized. We waste a lot. We judge each other not by the compassion that we show or the love that we give, but by how much we have. How much we can consume. How much we spend. Bigger is better. The one with more toys wins.

And none of us are better off for it, not really.

We think we need so many things. We think we will be happier. But if you really stopped and took an inventory of what you already have, you would find that you have way more than you could ever possibly need or use. And if we were really seeking truth, we would come to realize we really don't even use half of what we already own. And I am not sure that just acquiring more is the key to greater happiness. I know that I have not seen it. Most times, it seems that it makes us all just a bit more anxious. And happiness eludes us still.

And don't even talk to me about all the extra calories we don't need to consume.

I know it sounds simplistic to think that just two words, consume less, could have such a powerful effect on our lives; however, I really think it is true.

But who am I to say.

So try it sometime. Experiment with it. Next time you are tempted to buy that 'whatever' you certainly don't need or to eat that 'whatever' you shouldn't really eat, say it to yourself. "Consume less." See if it works.

It might just be the best thing you never did.

You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. ~Vernon Howard

Everything we possess that is not necessary for life or happiness becomes a burden, and scarcely a day passes that we do not add to it. ~Robert Brault

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it.
~Donald Horban

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
~Lin Yutang

Some random things I want to tell my daughter before I die.

I am the Mother of one daughter, Catherine. She was born on March the 9th, 1999, after many years of infertility, miscarriages, and dashed hopes and dreams. It was clearly the best day of my life.

But I am a mother just like you. I have other things I do with my day. I am busy running errands. I am preoccupied with other things and I am certainly not perfect. I try to be a good mom, but I know that sometimes I fall short of the mark.

One of the ways that I fill my life, besides being a mom, is by being a hospice nurse. I did not actively seek out this job, it sort of found me. I have been a nurse, in one form or another, for 30 years now. I had never worked in the hospice field before. But it had touched my life. My own Mother had hospice in 1997 when she died. So did my young cousin, who died too young in 2001.

So I became a hospice nurse. Most of my patients are seniors. The ending of their lives has touched me for sure, although they seem to follow the normal course of the universe. I was saddened, but felt that I was helping them and their families cope and I could go home and continue my life without too much distress. Things were ok. Then one day, I received the name of a patient to see at a large teaching hospital in Boston. When I looked at the chart, I saw myself reflected back. A woman, age 44 at the time. A wife and the mother of a 4-year-old daughter. She had struggled for years with infertility and this child was a gift. She was diagnosed with cancer during her pregnancy, but refused treatment as not to harm her child. She fought hard against the disease. But in the end, it had won.

I went to see her with a feeling of dread. This is one of my worse fears, to leave my daughter. As I entered the room, I could sense her full presence. Her daughter was playing in the room, talking to her, like any normal child would. Her mother did not respond verbally, but I definitely sensed a charge in the room, a warmth. I cannot describe it, but it was there. When the patient’s sister came to take the child to lunch, all that energy left with her.

I sat there with the patient, she was comatose. I told her what a beautiful daughter she had and how proud she must be of her. It was hard for me to be there, I wanted to run away. I held back my tears until I got to my car, then I couldn’t stop crying. I cry now, years after her death, as I write this.

I had to see her many more times, as we see patients who are hospitalized every day. Each day was difficult for me, but I had to remember that I am the one having the good day. There is no reason for me to feel sorry for myself. All my energy needs to be directed to the patient and the family.

I brought the patient’s daughter some princess stickers at one visit. She proceeded to place them all over her “sleeping” mother. The mother looked ethereal lying there. She still had all her wonderful, beautiful red hair. The floor nurses had lovingly brushed it. She did not look as though she were ill. She did indeed look as though she were only sleeping.

The patient died a few days later. I read about it in the paper and heard it in report. A sad day, indeed.

Months, years have passed since then. But I still, to this day, think about her. She has, without knowing, made me a better wife, mother and nurse. I thank her.

I have now seen many young mothers who are dying and many who have died, leaving children behind, motherless and alone. It still saddens me, but it has not impacted me quite the way that first young mother did

I still think about how it felt the first time I looked into the face of my own mortality. What if that were me? What would I want my daughter to know?

Surely, we all think we will be here until we are 100, having grown children and grandchildren to love and make cherished memories with. But the truth is, we may not. And we are all going to die. Many times without saying the things we always thought we would have more time to say.

So I decided to write down at least a few things I wanted my daughter to know. Ten turned into thirty, thirty into many more. I write it not only for my own daughter, but also for the daughter of my patient and all daughters that need a hug. And a mom.

Catherine, this is for you.

(From your mother.)

Love you always.


1. I will always be your best friend. Even when you hate me, even when you feel suffocated by me, I will be here.

2. Respect your father, even if I don’t always provide the best example.

3. Blue hair, tattoos and multiple piercings are, quite frankly, ugly. You may want show your independence that way, but I think that you know deep down, it is not the most attractive look. And I will love you no matter how you look anyway.

4. The world does judge you by your appearance. I know it is unfair, but it is the truth.

5. Girls can be really mean. They will hurt your feelings, betray you and make you cry. Have girl friends anyway. Stick with your true friends, don’t worry if they are popular or not.

6. Mean people suck, they really do. Try to avoid them. Stay away from malcontents, too. They take the oxygen out of the room.

7. Please talk to me about things. I know this sounds like a cliché, but not only was I young once, I still feel the same way now that I did then. I just have a different perspective on it.

8. I know that sometimes I will embarrass you. Sometimes I embarrass myself. And sometimes you embarrass me, too.

9. You will never go far unless you are willing to work hard and do your best. I know it sounds like I just read a bumper sticker, but it is really the only formula for success that works.

10. Make sure that you read the washing instructions in your clothes and that you separate the whites from the darks. I always do a separate load of pinks, as well. They are neither white nor dark.

11. Don’t have a loud cell phone conversation in a public place. No one, I repeat, NO ONE wants to hear your private conversation.

12. Read books. Everything you could ever want to know is written in some book. Your bedside table should always be filled with books you are reading. Go to the library often.

13. Make sure you have fun everyday. Make time for it. It is that important.

14. Smile at people. Acknowledge their presence. It solidifies yours.

15. If you don’t have change for the homeless person on the street, tell them that. Don’t just walk by and ignore them. It is rude.

16. Learn, hopefully from me, good manners. Use them even when you are going through the drive-thru window at the fast food joint.

17. Always thank people.

18. Pray. And when there is no response, keep praying.

19. Accept the fact that you are going to make mistakes in life. It is how we learn.

20. Accept the fact that I have and will continue to make mistakes as well.

21. You know the line, “Beauty is more than skin deep?” It is not true. Either you are beautiful or you are not. Most people are quite attractive and should make the best of what they have got. That is why we have the Bloomingdale’s cosmetic department.

22. I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I know that you will never believe that, but it is true.

23. Learn to cook. Know a few recipes that will become your signature dishes.

24. Learn to speak French. At least a few good phrases, and pronounce them properly.

25. Travel and see the world. Dorothy was wrong; everything is not in your own back yard.

26. Be tolerant of other’s views. Allow them to express themselves in non-violent ways. But make sure that you maintain your own thoughts and your own feelings.

27. People die. Wear your seatbelt at all times. Wear your helmet when cycling. Do not speed. Do not become distracted when you are driving. Do not drive drunk and do not get into a car with a drunk driver. Look around as you walk at night. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Talk to strangers, but do not get into a car with them or arrange to meet them from a chat room conversation.

28. Be patient with the old.

29. Be kind, be kind and then be kind some more.

30. When you date, please do not try to get back at me by dating someone that I would hate. Date someone you like. That is all that matters.

31. Stay away from boys/men who berate you, hit you or are aggressive toward you. Run away as fast as you can.

32. There is no such thing as a normal family.

33. When you plan your wedding, include the groom’s mother in the planning. She is going to become a very, very important person in your life, whether you want to believe it or not.

34. Marry a man who treats his mother with genuine respect.

35. Run from a man who puts his mother’s feelings before yours.

36. Have a really good financial plan and stick to it. You have to save some money. Period.

37. Make sure to own a dog. They provide unconditional love and true comfort. They are always happy to see you and always want to play.

38. Have lots of framed pictures of your family, friends, pets and travels all over your home.

39. Get a pap smear done every year after you turn 18. Do a self-breast exam every month. Make sure that your gynecologist is a female. Men may be good doctors, but they really don’t know what it feels like to be a woman, no matter what medical school they went to. And get a second opinion always.

40. Please continue to let me hug you, even when you get older. It gives me such joy. I promise not to do it in public.

41. On a rainy Saturday, lie in bed with me and watch a movie. Or lie in bed with your own daughter or son and watch a movie together in my memory. (Remember the popcorn and soda.)

42. Please stop rolling your eyes at me.

43. Every day is a gift. Do not forget that.

44. Keep a quarter in your car at all times for a phone call. Cell phones don’t always work.

45. Education is important. Make sure you do your best in school. I wish I had paid less attention to the boys and more attention to my grades. Or at least equal amounts of both.

46. I was a cheerleader in high school and it was fun. Make sure that you are part of something at school. It doesn’t matter what.

47. Know the proper utensils to use.

48. Know how to do minor repairs. There are many books at the library to read or you can ask someone. Have your own toolbox, even after you are married.

49. Put stuff back where it belongs and you will always be able to find it.

50. Always use a napkin.

51. Do not use green or blue eye shadow. I don’t care what the “experts” say, it looks ridiculous.

52. Every day is a new day. Move Forward. Try something new.

53. Treat yourself special. Do not depend on others to do this. You will always be disappointed.

54. Everyone has bad days. Don’t feel alone.

55. Keep up with current issues in the world.

56. Don’t litter, ever.

57. Listen to music. But don’t have one of those ipods in your ears all the time, especially if someone is trying to talk to you. It is rude.

58. Have fresh flowers in your home. Treat yourself to a fresh bouquet every week.

59. Enjoy “things,” but don’t let them define who you are.

60. Just because something is more expensive, it doesn’t necessarily make it better. Conversely, you get what you pay for. You will have to figure that one out for yourself.

61. Listen when people are talking to you. Don’t think about what you are going to say next, just listen. The best gift we can bestow on others is our presence.

62. Call me on Mother’s Day and my birthday.

63. Dad, too.

64. Don’t do things just because everyone else is. I know you need to feel as though you fit in, but try to hold tight to some things that are true only to yourself.

65. Rituals and traditions are can be wonderfully comforting. Just don’t let them become oppressive. Create your own traditions and don’t feel compelled to do things because “Mom did them every year.” My feelings will not be hurt.

66. I am your Mom. Help me become a better one by telling me what you need from me (or don’t need). Although it seems so at times, I am not a mind reader.

67. After you marry; ok, no pressure; if you marry, continue to surround yourself with women friends. Too often, these friends get pushed aside. Don’t do it. Maintain them, cherish them. They stabilize the pressure in our lives, like a jet cabin does at 33,000 feet. If the cabin pressure in a jet didn’t do that, we couldn’t breathe. Think of your friends the same way.

68. Never forget, no matter how old you are, how holidays and birthdays delighted you. Celebrate grandly.

69. Be mindful of what you say. Sticks and stones may not break bones, but words can break a heart.

70. When your heart gets broken, there really is no quick fix. It will hurt. The only known cures are a good, long cry, a hot bath and a lot of chocolate. And the passage of time.

71. Take care of your teeth by brushing and flossing two times a day. Teeth are important. And go to the dentist every six months.

72. Know that I will worry about you until I take my last breath, and maybe well beyond that.

73. Buy yourself beautiful lingerie. Just for you. It’s a nice thing to do for yourself.

74. When you have children, tell them you love them every day. Hug them frequently. Let them sit in their jammies on a Saturday and watch cartoons for hours. Join them. Do not fill their lives with too many activities. Kids these days are over scheduled.

75. Find a great hair stylist and stick with them. Yes, a bad hair day can make you feel awful.

76. Pick up your home a little every day and it will never become a huge mess.

77. Do not be petty. It is a waste of time and energy.

78. Take care of your health. Walk every day, as much as you can. Breath deeply. Release stress.

79. Remember this; there is no magic solution to losing weight. The ONLY thing that works is eating less and exercising more. Period.

80. People will disappoint you. It is a fact. Get over it. Do not dwell on it.

81. People do things because of how it makes them feel on the inside. It is never really about you. Remember that.

82. Someday, when you are missing me, think about all of the fun times we have had. Smile. Remember how much I loved you and what I said to you every night at bedtime; “I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky.”

If you smile when you think about me, I will know I have done something right.


Some of my Favorite Quotes:

“Life’s a banquet, and most poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death.” ~~~Mame

“Three things in life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.”
~~~Henry James

“Enough is as good as a feast.”
~~~Mary Poppins

Never think you’re not good enough yourself. My belief is that in life people will take you very much at your own reckoning.”
~~~ Anthony Trollope

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger then death.”
~~~Robert Fulghum

People don't eat nutrition, they eat food.

I wish I could take credit for that headline, but I can't. Someone else wrote it. It was the title of a recent nursing abstract by Melinda M. Manore, PhD, RD, CSSD. The headline was good, but the article was dull. All about why people should be referred to dietitians. Written for people in the healthcare world. Boring to it's core.

However, the title stuck with me.

Because it is true.

Some people seem to eat healthy all the time. I don't, even though I do try. But I eat things I shouldn't because, well, because I like them. Like cake and mashed potatoes and even a Coke once in awhile. And chocolate, too.

When I was growing up, we all just ate food. We never thought too much about it. I think back now and I see that my mom fed us The Zone diet. Except she didn't call it that; she called it dinner.

A starch, a protein and veggies. Pretty much every night. And we were thin and healthy and everyone enjoyed eating. We even had ice cream and pie and other delicious desserts she would make every week.

What we didn't have were large portions. We also never ate any processed foods.

And that I think is the difference.

We didn't have high fructose corn syrup in all of our food. We never had a list of ingredients that we could not understand on everything. We ate real food. Simple, real food. Like milk and cheese and bread and butter. Meat and potatoes. A salad. And fruit.

Then the 80's hit, and suddenly fat was the demon. Everything became fat-free. Processed and fat-free. And, as we all ate all that fat-free stuff, we all became fatter. And sicker.

I don't know where common sense went. Now sugar is being labeled toxic. It is crazy. Really crazy.

I think we should all just return to eating food. Real food. And start enjoying it again. When you eat what you like, it makes you smile and you feel good. And you need less of it because you feel so satisfied. And happy.

No one is happy eating Lean Cuisine or a protein bar or meat for every meal with no carbs. That is just crazy.

We should start a revolution of common sense. We don't need calories labeled on everything we eat. We know that if something is HUGE, that it has a lot of calories. We know if it is dripping with grease it is probably not good to eat too much of it. We know that if we cannot understand what the ingredients mean, it is probably not going to do our bodies any good. We know that we don't need a drink so large that it has an undertow. We also know we can eat ice cream one day, but not every day.

We have common sense. I know we do. But the "experts" are confusing us. Telling us that this or that is good or bad based on the most recent study. The one that contradicts a study from last week. And the week before.

So we need to stop listening to the experts and follow our own instincts once again.

I think we will all be happier and healthier for it.


It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of the one or two things still safe to eat.
~~~Robert Fuoss

Believe nothing, no matter where you have read it, or who has said it; no matter if I have said it; unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
~~~Buddha

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
~~~Josh Billings

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
~~~Alfred E. Newman

Know thy car, know thyself.

Someone once said that life is a series of dogs. Probably true. But I think that life is really a series of cars. Not everyone has a dog. But everyone, at one time or another, has owned a car.

Remember your first car? The thrill of it? The picture I added is a reasonable facsimile of my first car, a 1970 Ford Thunderbird. Of course, mine was used, about 7 years old. And pretty beat. But I loved it. So many memories I have from driving that car.

I have had many cars since then. And each, if I really think about it, has a story to tell. As a matter of fact, you could probably chronicle my life with stories from each car.

We think that cars just get us from one place to another. And perhaps that is true. But maybe how they get us from one place to another is not always just about transportation.

My first car was just that, my first car. My ride. In and of itself, it wasn't anything special. But it signified freedom to me. Freedom to go places I wanted to go. It was a heady time. A time of expanding my horizons, even if that just meant driving to the other side of town.

After a while, that car proved to be unreliable. So, I bought a safer car. Nothing fancy; small and compact. I was still in school and needed something reliable. Or at least my dad thought I did.

But after I was done with school and I was working as a full-time nurse, and thought of myself as quite independent, I bought a bright red Honda Prelude. Sporty and fast. I loved that car. It went fast and I drove fast. Sunroof. Stereo blaring. Just pure fun. I was footloose and carefree and so was my ride.

I also started to notice other people's cars. Especially guys I would date. Guys with neat, orderly and pragmatic cars always somehow bored me. Something about pragmatic and orderly just didn't work. Nor did flashy or junky.

Think about the cars of your past. Do they tell a story? Maybe you thought you weren't paying attention or that I am just being silly. But I will bet if you think about it, a story will unfold.

The cars in our lives hold many memories. The car you are driving today with your kids inside will have many stories for them to tell after they are all grown up. Think about that. What memories are you making?

Goodness, I can remember all of my dad's cars. Trips we made in them. How I learned to drive in one of them. Everything. I can remember the smell, how I slept in the backseat on long road trips, how my mom always packed a box of travel things with a big tan thermos full of ice water. Geesh, I haven't thought about about that in years.

I can think about and relive parts of my own life through my cars. The sporty car when I was a free spirit, the Mercedes----that was a more obnoxious time, and now, of course, the ugh.....minivan.

But the minivan, which I have had for several years now, loathing each day I drive it, is all about my daughter and car pools and dogs and road trips. This minivan that I loathe will be a source of many, hopefully happy, memories for my daughter. Really, it will. Amazing, isn't it?

So, look at your car and the cars of your past, not just as vehicles, but as an extension of who you are and who you have been. Cars bring back so many memories when you sit back and think about it; some good, some bad, some scary, some maybe even traumatic. It tells stories about who we have been or tried to be, where we have been, who we are now and who we wish we could become perhaps sometime in the future.

What story does your car tell?

We think of a car as a means to get from one place to another. And that may be true. Nothing more than an object we own out of pure necessity.

But maybe, just maybe, they are more than that.

Something to think about as we drive yet again tomorrow.


A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. ~Peter De Vries

The car has become a secular sanctuary for the individual, his shrine to the self, his mobile Walden Pond. ~Edward McDonagh

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car. ~E.B. White, One Man's Meat, 1943

Take it slow now and again.

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Do you remember this Simon and Garfunkel song? It is actually called "The 59th Street Bridge Song" (Feelin' Groovy). It was released around 1966. When I was 6. When I took things slow. When an afternoon felt like an eternity.

I was not thinking about this as I went for a walk with my daughter this evening. As we were walking, I thought instead about all the things I wanted to do this week, before I had to work again on Thursday. You know, that perpetual to-do list in our heads.

We had been talking and then I was silent, thinking about all those errands, all those to-dos. My daughter suddenly turned to me and said, "Why aren't you talking anymore?" We had been enjoying a nice walk on a beautiful evening and I was suddenly far away, far ahead of today.

And then that song popped into my head.

We do indeed move too fast. Always trying to stay on top of things. Getting things done. Planning. Thinking about tomorrow or next week or next year. Living in tomorrowland and ignoring what matters today.

"You are right," I told her. And I returned to now and we talked about nothing in particular and we had a lovely walk.

You have to know that these spontaneous times are the ones that our kids remember. I cannot tell you all the adult children I see at the bedside of a dying parent that say to me, "I wish I had spent more time with mom. But she was always so busy."

I don't want my child to be that adult.

And I don't want to be that mom.

So, some may view it as wasting time, just hanging out and doing nothing. I may become known as a slacker. I don't really care. I know that I have a lot to do. And I probably won't get it all done anyway. And my basement may stay a mess and the clothes will pile up and my car may be dirty, and even a bill ot two may be late. But I will try to slow down and think like I did when I was 6 or 8 or even 15.

Like today was the only day that mattered.

Because it really is true.


Life is short, God's way of encouraging a bit of focus.
~Robert Brault

Why always "not yet"? Do flowers in spring say "not yet"?
~Norman Douglas

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
~Diane Ackerman

Why must conversions always come so late? Why do people always apologize to corpses?
~David Brin

Own your life.

If there is one thing I have learned by being a hospice nurse it is this. We need to own our own life while we can.

We think we do own it. But we really don't. Our work owns it. Our debt owns it. Our responsibilities own it. Our family owns it. Our illness may own it. And we cannot always do anything about that, it is true.

But there is always a piece of ourselves that we should own. Just us. Alone.

It is not a selfish thing to do this. It is necessary. Like breathing.

I see so many people who have had their lives taken over by an illness. They wish they could have their life back. They are sick of treatment and doctors and they hate it when I come to their home. We have all taken over their life. And they feel like they have lost all control.

But as sad as that is, I see relatively healthy people walking around in the thick of their lives, who don't own their own lives either. And that is even sadder. They are unhappy. They complain more than they smile. They see everything as a problem to solve or an obstacle to overcome. Even vacations are stressful. Everything is a burden. They don't own even a piece of themselves.

Here is the simple truth. Life ends. It does. And not just with death. Walk into any nursing home and you will see that. So, amidst the responsibilities of everyday life, grant yourself something that belongs to only you, while you can.

Don't let your everyday busy-ness own you or define you. Find something to own and hold on tight to it. And find a bit of time in your hectic day to revel in the wonderfulness of you. Your life. Yourself.

Take a minute today to think about what you can own that is truly just about you. Think about your needs and how you can fulfill them even if it is only inch by inch. Check in with yourself occasionally to see what your needs really are. Sometimes we get so caught up with everyone else's needs, we forget our own.

You are really special. You may not have noticed, but it is true. There will never be another you. You will never have another life.

So, own it while you can.

The ultimate folly is to think that something crucial to your welfare is being taken care of for you. ~Robert Brault

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. ~James Allen

Jack Palance: "Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit."
Billy Crystal: "Yeah, but what's that one thing?"
Jack Palance: "That's what you've got to figure out."
~From the movie City Slickers

The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.
~Thomas Carlyle

Be a generous listener.

When was the last time you dropped what you were doing, stopped thinking about what you were thinking, sat down, really looked at someone, and listened. Listened not just with your ears, but your eyes and your heart as well.

Think about that. We all think we are listening all of the time. And certainly we hear things. But are we truly listening? Would people say that you were a good listener if someone asked them?

I was at a patient's home the other day. There was a lovely woman lying on a hospital bed, about 88 years old. She was unresponsive. She was in the living room of a very well worn home. All the furniture had been moved out, except for two chairs that sat next to the bed.

In one old chair sat a man, about the same age. He looked weary. He asked me to sit down on the other chair to tell him news that he certainly did not want to hear.

He talked to me about his wife of 68 years. Talked about places they had lived and had traveled to. Talked about how they raised their 3 kids and about the grandchildren and great grandchildren they now had. I sat and tried hard to listen.

I had 3 other patients to see that afternoon. None close by, miles apart and it was raining. Then I thought about how I had to rush over to my daughter's school to pick her up and after that I had to go to the grocery store. Then I started thinking about dinner.....

Anyway, the man was still talking to me. Then he said something that I don't think I will ever forget. He said, "What I will miss the most when Martha dies is her uncanny ability to be a generous listener."

That caused me to pause. A generous listener. One who gives the time and energy to listen. One who makes one feel that they are really, truly being listened to.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and they say, "Are you listening to me?" How many times have you looked at your watch or your phone while your daughter was telling you about her day? How many tasks are you trying to finish while talking to someone on the phone? Did you really have a conversation with your husband last night or were you just talking at one another while watching TV.

Let's face it. We are not always generous listeners. We like our conversations short and to the point. Email, texting and Facebook have become the new ways of communicating and staying in touch. Simple short blurbs.

Communication, yes.

Listening, no.

So, think about how you rate as a listener to the people who mean the most to you. Think about how you look as you stand or sit and talk to someone. Are you really engaged? Do you make eye contact? Are you really, honestly caring about what this person has to say?

Check your body language. Do you have one foot tapping or out the door. Are you looking around to see who is coming or going. Are you nervously clutching your Blackberry or iphone. Are you silently thinking about your to do list. Are you really, honestly present?

We listen with our whole selves. And people notice when we are not.

Mr. Smith noticed. He knew that I was thinking about something else. Even though I sat there, leaning forward and looking straight at him, he knew. He just knew.

And it made me sad. And I am sure it made him sad, too.

We will never know the impact we have on others. We try to be giving to those we love or care about, but many times we fall short of the mark. Sometimes we don't know what to give or how to give it.

Time and attention is what most people crave. It is true. Usually nothing more than that.

So be a generous listener. It is a pure and genuine gift. So give it freely and often.

To listen is an effort, and just to hear has no merit. A duck hears also.
~~~Igor Stravinsky