OMG...shut up already.

The other day I was in the elevator at a major Boston hospital heading to the 16th floor.  The elevator was full of people; visitors carrying balloons, nurses, doctors, a social worker, me and an EKG tech with her cart. We were all jammed in. On floor 3, the doors opened and two older ladies stepped into the already over-crowded elevator, oblivious to everyone around them. Once they pushed in, they continued to have a very loud and very lively conversation about a recently hospitalized friend.

This went on for several floors. They did not move nor quiet down at all  when we stopped at different floors; people had to squeeze past them to get out. They just continued their animated and, what should have been a very private conversation, as though no one else existed.

Finally they departed the elevator once we reached the eighth floor. When the doors finally closed, we all just looked at each other and smiled. One brave women said to all of us, "Oh. My. God. Shut up already!" We all broke out into laughter and continued our now quiet ride lost in our own thoughts.

When I got off on the 16th floor, I hurried to the nurse's station to start a chart review for a patient referred to our hospice service. Once seated, I became aware of a conversation between two nurses. They were talking about their mothers. On and on they went, complaining about one thing and then another.  I could hear them from where I sat, about 20 feet away.  I am sure that many patients heard them as well. Part of me wanted to scream, "OMG, shut up already." But I sat silent and just did my work.  Later, I went to talk with the patient and family about hospice; a very painful subject for them. The patient's room was near to where the nurses were having their spirited conversation. Once in the room, and even with the door shut, I could still hear them laughing and talking loudly. I am sure the patient and her family could hear them as well.  It was not only unprofessional, it was down right rude.

This scene plays out thousands of times every single hour in every corner of the world.  People having loud conversations about private matters for all to hear no matter the setting. They do it into their cellphones, face to face and into little cameras perched atop computers oblivious to anyone around them.

They do it in elevators, public restrooms, hallways, trains, buses, stores and restaurants. They feel entitled to have these conversations regardless of who can hear them or who they are interrupting or annoying. They become angry if you tell them to be quiet during public performances like the ballet, the theater or the movies.

I just don't get this new kind of brashness.  When did it start?  And is it me, or is it becoming worse?

I cannot stand it anymore. I mean, I cannot go anywhere it seems without people talking out loud about very private matters. Without people acting as though this is perfectly normal and that they are entitled to do what they want, where they want and when they want.

So when did this all become the new norm?  With the proliferation of cellphone use? With the idea that we can be reached anywhere, anytime, anyplace? Or did it start decades ago when TV talk show hosts started talking about private matters to a national audience. Should I be blaming Phil Donahue? Or perhaps Oprah?

I am not sure. I can remember, and perhaps I am dating myself, but I recall people going into a private phone booth and shutting the doors so no one could hear their conversation when in public. I recall people whispering to one another.  I recall being quiet at the library. I recall people not wanting everyone to hear everything they were saying.  I recall being quiet during performances. 

So when did all of that change.  And why?  Will it ever end?  And, more importantly, is the worse yet to come.

I don't know. But what I do know is that I am jumping onto the "OMG... Just Shut Up" bandwagon.  I won't say it out loud all of the time, of course I won't. I don't want to be rude. But I will be thinking it. And I will remind people that perhaps they should take their conversation elsewhere when I feel it is appropriate. Like those nurses. I should have said something.

I also want to scream it at the TV news anchors and the political pundits as well.  We just don't want to hear every personal private issue of everyone on the planet.

Or do we?

Perhaps that is why reality TV is so popular.  Who knows.

Anyway, I think it time we start to call people out on their bad behavior in public. Start asking people to just stop. Tell them they are invading our privacy by forcing us to hear private, intimate details of their lives that we just don't care to hear about. And stopping ourselves from doing the same.

We object to smokers and ask them to step outside. I think it is high time we start requiring the blabbers to do the same.

 I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.~~~Ellen DeGeneres

Never miss a chance to shut up ~~~Will Rogers

It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.~~~Maurice Switzer

Embrace the tradition, even if you don't feel thankful this year.

Well, it is almost Thanksgiving. And I know a lot of people who have really nothing to feel thankful about this year. I think about them, and it makes me sad. Some have lost a loved one. Some have been diagnosed with cancer. Some have lost their job. One family has lost a child. I know that not one of them is looking forward to the holidays.

And I don't blame them.  The holidays are tough enough without those awful things.

So what can they do?  What can any of us do?

The only thing we can do.  Get through the day as best we can. Some will bow out this year and just stay home for a quiet meal.  Others will still attend family get togethers steeling themselves for the inevitable question, "So, how are you doing?'  Most dread that question.  It is funny, most people only ask that question to folks they know have had a rough year.  If you have won a million dollars in the lottery, no one really wants to know about that.  And many people, once you start to tell them your woes, chime in with their own, as though it is some sort of contest to see who is worse off. No wonder most clam up. I don't blame them.

So, what is the thing to do? Drop out for the year?  Still participate but sit quietly and leave early?  Get drunk?

I guess the best thing to do is what feels right.  For you.  Not for your mother or sister or friends. So what if they will be disappointed. They will surely get over it. But don't expect them to understand. They won't.

Everyone experiences their own reality. Some can just shrug things off and pretend that there is nothing wrong.  They seem to be enjoying themselves. Others sit and act morose the whole time.  And others will simply disengage. And it is all alright. Allow yourself to indulge in your own whims and tell others that this is how you best cope with the bad events of the year. Ask them to forgive your selfishness, but explain this is how you are protecting your heart. Perhaps they will best understand if you put it that way.

 We all want happy holidays.  We want them for ourselves, our loved ones, our kids.  We have a picture in our minds of how they should look and feel. Of how everyone should act. But they rarely turn out that way and many times we find ourselves sadly disappointed.  So, especially if you have had a bad year, allow yourself to expect less. Embrace the tradition, but let go of the expectations. Or create a new tradition. One that allows you to include a relative that is no longer here. Or one that celebrates new beginnings. Let go of the expectations of others and create something that has your own unique mark.

The holidays are fraught with so much emotion.  So many memories. So much weight on our shoulders. So much work and preparation. Much of it can be joyful, but it doesn't come easy. And there is oftentimes a lot of sadness.  Sadness for things that have passed and sadness for things that will never be again.

So, if you feel sad, embrace the sadness. Don't try to pretend it doesn't exist. And if people do ask the inevitable question, "How are you doing," love yourself enough to answer honestly. Don't get angry, it is a dumb question, especially if you have lost a loved one.  But take a deep breath and say that "This has not been the best year and to celebrate a holiday without a loved one doesn't really need an explanation, now does it."

And let it go at that.

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way. ~~~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. ~~~Erich Fromm

I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. ~~~Rita Mae Brown



Moving forward.

"When there is no place to go, I guess we still have to move forward."

A patient with end stage ovarian cancer said that to me yesterday as I was organizing her discharge home onto our hospice service.  She is young and pretty and kind and smart, and she is right. Moving forward is her only option.  And ours, too.

Sometimes we don't want to move forward.  We like things the way the are. The status quo. We want to stay put.

We may have a good thing going right now.  A great job, neighborhood, family.  And we love it. Life feels good and we want it to stay like that.  But then something alters it. A death in the family.  A friend who moves, kids who grow up and change. And even though we see the change and know that we need to keep moving along with the change, it is hard.  And some of us dig our heels in deep and try to remain with things just as they were, ignoring the changes all around us.

Some would call that denial.  And that may be true. But life keeps going forward even if we don't want it to, denial or not.  And I think that is difficult for so many of us to embrace.

Facing death is certainly difficult. But we die a thousand tiny deaths all of the time. And we mourn them without realizing it.

Holidays without loved ones who shared those good times with us for decades. Kids who grow up and leave and don't want to do the things we  always did when they were younger. Friends who get divorced or move out of town or simply vanish. Neighborhoods with for sale signs, new teachers at school, co-workers who retire.

All of these are life altering in their own way. We think that they are not that important, but they are.   And what many of us do is to hold tight and pretend that things are the same without thinking about it much.  We say, oh well, these things happen. We try to pretend all is well, even though we know deep down they are not.

And we don't really move forward. We stay stuck in the past, or try to hold onto a  present that no longer exists.  We try to make things the same.  And they are not.

"We will try to keep things as normal as we can for the kids." This is what my patient's husband said to me when we talked about him bringing his wife home on hospice.  And by that he meant that they would keep schedules the same, have them go for playdates and keep their routine as close to "normal" as it had been when mom was in charge.

But his wife, who was lying in the bed listening, did not agree.

"Life is changing for them, whether you want to believe it or not. I don't want them in their normal routine, there is nothing normal about what is happening.  I want to be with them as much as I can. Do special things with them. They have to move forward and I want to point them in the right direction. We will move forward for as long as we can together, and then you will all move forward without me.  It will be hard, but that is the best we can do."

As she said this, her stoic husband slowly sat down on the chair next to her bed, covered his face with his hands and wept. He said he didn't want to move forward. Couldn't face a life without her.  He lamented how mind-blowing this all was and that he thought if they just kept things as "normal as possible" then they could just stay put. 

I think we all want to think like that. But it simply cannot be done.

Life moves forward even when we don't want it to. Changes happen each and every day. We really have no control, although we think we do and hold on like hell. And short of staying in bed with the covers on over our heads, we have to eventually deal with them.

And that is the problem. We don't know how to do that.  We don't always know how best to move forward, especially when we don't want to.

I pray for the best for this family. The one thing that they will have is a lot of support.  The wife is wise and gets it.  Most people refuse to think this way. And that takes it toll after all is said and done. So, these kids are lucky in that sense.

But most of us don't get it, or don't want to.  Our lives feel off, but we are not sure why.  And the reason may be that we are just not allowing ourselves and those around us to move forward. We may be grudingly holding on to a life that has simply moved beyond us, even though we are holding fast. And that in itself can make us sick or depressed or anxious.

So, what is the trick.? How do we move forward?  How will this family move forward? Wish that I knew for sure.  But if you asked my patient, she would tell you, just like she told me and her husband, that to move forward you simply have to just let go, just be. Accept the changes and as much as you hate them, find something that feels good and head there one step at a time.

Wise words and a good lesson for all. Death is a great teacher. If only we would listen while we all still have so much time.


All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr. 

Our only security is our ability to change. ~John Lilly

How to (really) deal with stress.

Stress. We all suffer from stress at one time or another. There are books and medications and web-sites and even Dr. Phil on tv and all of this is meant to help us cope better with the stress of our lives. And how has it really helped us?  Well, we are more stressed than ever before.

We are stressed by just about every turn in life. Our jobs. Our kid's performance in school.  Our financial portfolio. The mess in our house. The endless to do list.

We don't have enough money. We aren't thin enough. We feel bad about our co-workers or boss. A loved one is sick. We have been diagnosed with something awful. We lost our job. Our dog died.  We cannot pay our bills.

The list goes on and on. And you cannot really rate stress. You cannot say that one stress is worse than another. It is all in the eyes of the beholder. And it all feels the same. Stress is, well, stress.

And we all feel it. No one is immune. Sometimes it is like a low electrical current that is just something we live with day to day.  Or maybe we have calm days and then explosive days.  Or sometimes we are under a cloud so thick we feel like we cannot breath. And we shut down. We wear our responsibilities like a noose around our necks. And it is hard to breath.

Stress is universal. I am not sure we could be living human beings without it. And many have pounced on this fact and there are books and CDs and professional counselors and gym memberships and massage therapy and anti-stress creams and what not all designed to eliminate the stress of our lives. Somewhere, someone is making a fortune from our stress. Mainly the pharmaceutical giants.

But we stay stressed anyway.

So, what is the answer? I wish I knew. I feel stressed at times as well. And I have tried all the things they say to do; walking, deep breathing, writing things down, yoga, putting things into perspective.  I have really done it all. And you know what works best?

Xanax. 

But in the morning, there it is. Stress. Rearing it's ugly head once again.

To be honest, I have learned a lot about coping with stress from the people I work with who have a lot of it. My patients. They make most of my stress go away. Many times my stress just disappears because I am  just happy I am not them. I am happy that I have a healthy child. That I am still healthy. That my husband is still healthy. That I can still go and do ordinary things.

And therein lies the answer to stress.

Embracing the ordinary. Embracing yourself.

All these books and such that say to do this or that to control the stress of your lives is just, well, bullshit. You have to go into survival mode. You have to embrace what is truly important to you, what is your true essence. Then you have to build a wall to protect it, because everywhere you turn someone is trying to rip it away.

Becoming real is the best protection.  Facades in your life that you are trying to hold up becomes exhausting.  Why can't we be just who we are?

I think that is why people who are really sick and dying have little stress.  They have fear, but not stress. Why? All that has been stripped away from them.  They have discovered what was  important all along. And some people, if they get better, live by this new rule. But others don't and they return to their regular lives and everyday stress.

I think it is because most people are afraid of change.  They would rather live their stressed out lives than to face the fear of changing it. I understand that. But it is a shame. Because stress makes your life shorter.  It makes you sick, literally. It makes those around you want to run. So there you are, stressed, sick and alone.  Not a pretty picture at all.

So, what to do? Well, you could do like most people, just simply live with it.  Muster on. Perhaps take a slew of drugs to control your high blood pressure, your depression, your anxiety, your stomach ailments and your headaches. You can lose yourself each night to crappy TV. You can sleep a lot. You can drink. Or you can be one of those crazed people who never sit still because sitting still makes you think and thinking makes you even more stressed.

Or you can do this; make a list of the things that describe the true essence of who you are.  Not your family or your kids, just you. Who are you?  What makes you tick?  What makes your heart sing?  Figure that out and write it down. Now write down your real life on a list next to it.  All the external things that keep you apart from your true essence. Then make a choice. Decide how you can return to the real you. Or at least part of the real you. Even a little you is better than none.

And that is it. Start living for yourself. Stop trying to impress others.  No one is really keeping score, and if they are, so what. Start being real and tell others what you really think.  (Well, in a nice way.)  Start by saying no to the things you don't want to do and occasionally say yes to the things you need to do.

Fix yourself up. Feel good about how you look on the outside. Self image is really important. It arms you. It protects you a bit.

And protect your body, the inside, while you are dealing with all the turmoil in your life.  Take a vitamin pill daily.  Drink water. Get some sleep. Stretch. Walk. Take deep breaths.  I call them stress breaks.  They don't eliminate stress, but they help you cope. And they are good for your heart. And if you mess up your heart you are in big trouble.

And go out into nature. Most people do not do this. Not really. Remember when you were a kid and you delighted in playing outside?  Do you really think because we are adults we don't need that anymore?

So start liking yourself again. You are all you have. Take care of that and everything else may become a bit easier. And a bit easier really does make you smile. And smiling makes your heart sing. And isn't that the essence of life anyway?

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
 ~e.e. cummings, 1955

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.
~Jim Beggs

Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces.
~Marcel Proust

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
~Mark Twain

A nurse's nightmare.

  

You see us at MD offices, on hospital floors, in your home. We can be chatty and kind, intense and focused, sometimes chided for being abrupt like a nurse Ratched. We are moms and sisters and aunts and grandmothers. We seem like nice people. Many are amazed that we can do what we do every day.  And we always seem nonplussed by it all. Like we are going off for just another day of work and coming home and getting on with our daily chores and lives.

It looks that way, it does.

But you cannot always tell a book by its cover.

We don't talk much about our days, especially those of us who work with the critically ill and dying.  And why would we?  Who wants to hear about that?  We don't even like to hear about that.

We bury it way down, or at least try to. But occasionally, it comes back up. We feel stressed and sad. Sometimes despair creeps in.  Life seems unfair and we are powerless to help. It can all become too much to bear.

A nine year old that dies. A mother with two kids, 44 years old, sent home on hospice to die. A woman who needed emergency heart surgery dead of a simple complication. A man who was cut off on the highway while riding his motorcycle (with a helmet) dead of a head injury, extubated with his 15 year old son standing next to his bed.  An ALS patient who cannot breath at 3pm on a beautiful Monday afternoon.  A man who came in with a cough, leaving with a death sentence of small cell lung cancer after a routine CAT scan.

I could fill pages with the patients I have seen.  And this abbreviated list was compiled in just my prior working week. 

I am not complaining or looking for any sympathy.  I don't need or deserve it. My patients and their families do however. 

I am not an angel, special or a saint. I have been called all, as so many others in the medical field have been called. But we don't see it that way. We try to be helpful, compassionate and competent. We try to make people healthy and well; and when that fails we try to make them comfortable. It is all we can do. Many times, it falls short of the mark.  Feels like it is never enough. And many times it isn't.

It would seem as though this is the stuff of nightmares; of what could keep me up at night fretting about the tragedy of life and our own unknown futures. But it isn't. This is not what my nightmares are made of.

So what is it? I will tell you. It is seeing healthy people blindly leading their lives who just don't get it. It is watching people continue to smoke knowing that it will shorten their lives eventually and reduce the quality of it dramatically. It is watching someone not paying enough attention to their kids or being cruel to them under the umbrella of  "discipline."  It is hearing people talk about the petty nonsense of their lives looking for sympathy and being angry when it doesn't come their way, lamenting that "no one understands me." It is dealing with people who have never seen tragedy in their lives and who are selfish and never lend a hand to anyone else.

I know that sounds a bit angry, and perhaps it is.  And perhaps I have been guilty of some of it myself.  But the truth is, most of us don't really want to get it. We like protecting ourselves with our day to day lives and our trivial complaints, it is safe there. We hope we never have to deal with tragedy. We hope to be blessed with the mundane.

And that is why we nurses and doctors don't talk about our days. No one wants to hear about the bad we see. If they don't hear it, they don't have to acknowledge that it exists. They don't have to learn from it.  They don't have to feel it.

I can certainly understand that. But it is a shame because death has so much to teach us about life.

We don't have to think about death or disease to know about life. We can go through each and every day without giving it a thought until it is presented to us. But what we miss by thinking that way and shielding ourselves is huge.

Honestly, the happiest people I know are those who stop trying to harden themselves to the truths of life.  The happiest people I know are those who have softened themselves and let life and love in, with all of it's scary, messy feelings.

Being strong enough to let down your guard and actually love someone without abandon, that is true freedom.  And freedom is happiness.  But most people don't do this until they face a sure end, when they finally feel they have nothing left to lose. But what they failed to realize, as most of us do, is that they never had anything to lose to begin with. Not really. And by the time most come to this conclusion, it is too late. And they die with much regret, leaving regret in their wake for future generations, the ones they had sought to protect. 

Not living life fully, that is my nightmare. It is not the patients I have seen and tried to help. They were my teachers. I am forever in their debt.  I don't want their lessons to go unheard. That would be the true tragedy. The scariest nightmare of all.



Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
~~~Bertolt Brecht

Until you divest yourself of the notion that you are a collection of needs, an empty vessel that someone else must fill up, there will be no safe place to harbor yourself, no safe shore to reach. As long as you think mostly of getting, you will have nothing real to give.
~~~Merle Shain

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
~~~Steve Jobs

Our Push Button Society.

The other day an interesting thing happened. We had a storm pass through from Hurricane Irene and the power went out.  This is a common occurrence in our town when a storm passes through and we are usually inconvenienced by darkness for perhaps an hour or more.

But not this time. This was a major storm and we, like so many others, lost power for several days.

Nothing that we use on a day to day basis worked anymore. I could not simply push a button and use my lights, my microwave, my stove, my air conditioner, my ipod or my computer. I couldn't use my blow dryer.  I didn't have hot water.  I could not open the garage door by pushing the little bar on the remote in my car. Woe is me, right?

Well, as I was begrudgingly lifting the garage door manually to take my daughter to school, it suddenly felt  familiar.  We never had a garage door opener growing up, we always had to get out of the car to open it. And I never felt it was a big deal. It was just part of our lives then. But now it seemed like an inconvenience for me to have to do it because I had to actually get out of the car and walk over and manually perform a function I normally could just push a button to achieve.

And that is just it. We have become a push button society. We like to push a button and make things work. We don't ever want to have to get up to change a channel, open a garage door, go to the library and thumb through books to do any research or write things by hand. We never want to actually wash dishes or take a towel to dry them. We have drive through's and computers and instant heat. In the summer we have cool air blowing through our homes automatically. Our clothes get dried easily. We can heat up a meal in minutes. Why, we even have robotic vacuum cleaners.

We may think that all these conveniences are just dandy and make our life so much easier than our ancestors who had to cut wood or shovel coal for heat, who hung laundry out to dry, sometimes after washing it by hand; who washed and dried dishes after each meal and who cooked things slowly, sometimes all day long for just one glorious meal.

We may laugh at the way they hand shoveled snow all day, or raked a lawn or swept debris with a broom. We snicker at the thought of how they chopped wood or canned foods, made homemade bread or wrote long letters to loved ones.  We don't have to do any of those things anymore. We don't even have to read a book made out of paper. We can download it instantly and read it on a screen. We can send email or text. We are a technologically advanced society.

But we are bored while we sit on the couch scrolling through the 200 channels we get on our large screen TV's all the while complaining that there is nothing to watch. If we want information, we google it instantly while sitting at our computers or smartphones no matter where we are and we complain that the information is taking too long to download..  If we want music, we put ear buds into our ears, push a button and settle in. No more manually placing records on a turnstile and having the sweet melody fill up a room.

And are we really happier for it? Does it really make our lives so much easier, so much better? Do we really have so much more time now?

I don't think so. And we certainly are not healthier for it. We are fatter and sicker than ever before.

We never used to have an obesity problem in the United States.  We moved more. We walked. We rode bikes.  TV was less of a distraction because we had fewer choices.

Now we sit more.  We drive everywhere. We join gyms to exercise all the while having someone else clean our homes and do our yard work.   

And don't even get me started on how isolated we have become looking at our little screens all day long.

So, while it really was an inconvenience to not have power for 4 days and a reminder to be thankful for all the things we do take for granted, like hot showers and lights, it also reminded me that all the conveniences we have come to rely upon are really not that essential to our well being.  Perhaps just the opposite. And that doing things ourselves, by using our own brawn and our own effort, is a very healthy, satisfying experience that we need to think about returning to.

Toughen up and start liking yourself.

Life is tough. I hear that all of the time. And sometimes it is. But most times it is not life that is so tough, it that we have become so weak.

And why is that?  From what I observe, it is because most of us do not really like ourselves that much. We compare ourselves to others. We take to heart a meaningless, thoughtless comment made by someone in our past. We allow small things we did in the past to haunt us, years later, after everyone else has forgotten.  We beat ourselves up on a daily basis.  We are just never good enough. No wonder everything seems so hard.  We have beaten ourselves down and many have little left to give after that.

And the answer cannot be found in a therapy session or a pill. We need to toughen up. We need to be tough enough to like ourselves regardless of what someone else has or says or does.

Liking ourselves is hard work. It really is.  But I think that not loving ourselves enough is the basis for much of our sadness with life.

When is the last time you really gave yourself a break? When you said, I really like myself. When you forgave yourself for doing something foolish in the past. When you looked in the mirror and didn't only see the flaws, the weight gain, the wrinkles, the bad hair.  When you smiled.

I can remember years ago when my daughter was about 3. I took her for a haircut at the salon I go to on Newbury Street in Boston.  The stylist washed and cut her blonde hair and gave her a very stylish blow-dry. She looked beautiful. My daughter could not take her eyes off of herself. She preened in that mirror.  Everyone complimented her. She beamed.

But she does not do that anymore, even at age 12. It is sad to see her criticize herself, to not preen over herself anymore, to have outgrown some of  that wonder about herself. Perhaps that is part of growing up.  But I think it stinks. And leads to too much misery, self doubt and self loathing.

And that, in my opinion, is a real problem. And we need to stop it. We do. Because it is simply just bullshit.

So start having a love affair with yourself.  Muster up the strength somehow and just do it.

Today, just for one day, do not criticize yourself.  Think of something you really like about yourself. Make a "me" space and put something there you like to see. Something that sings to you, and only to you.

Stop trying to impress others and just impress yourself.  When you walk into a room, do  not worry if they will like you, wonder insead if you will like them, if they are worthy of your time.

If someone says something negative to you, hug yourself.  They are mean and they hurt your feelings and it is okay to sooth yourself or even to get mad----at them. Don't turn your anger onto yourself. Protect yourself with love for yourself.

Make the most of your looks. Quit beating yourself up over the weight you gained or the wrinkles you see. That is just the way our bodies age. They gain weight and they wrinkle. But that doesn't mean you aren't beautiful. That doesn't mean you should feel diminished. That doesn't mean you shouldn't love yourself.

Show your love for yourself in small ways. Take better care of yourself. Make small changes that add up, like walking more or having a glass of water instead of soda. Take a multivitamin every day. Buy yourself some flowers at the grocery store. Get a book about something that you enjoy at the library. And quit telling yourself that you don't have the time. Set a timer for 5 minutes and see what you can do in that time. You will be surprised.  Let go of the all or nothing thinking. You owe yourself just even 5 minutes of something that makes your heart sing. The other stuff can wait.

The truth is this; You, just YOU, are really all you have and all you will ever have. Sure, you can surround yourself with family and friends and pets and co-workers and that is lovely; but in the end it is just you and yourself . So don't waste your life not loving yourself. Be a good companion to yourself.  Keep yourself always in good company wherever you may go.


You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
~~~Louise L. Hay

There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.
~~~Anthony Rapp

Never explain--your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
~~~Elbert Hubbard

When the life you live isn't the life you want.

Sometimes life really stinks. It is unfair, unjust, cruel and demanding. There are few smiles, warm feelings, nice people. There is too much suffering, too much illness, too much death.  The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the people in-between aren't moving anywhere fast.  Sometimes you just want to run away.

The problem is, you can't.

You have a job, a house, some kids, a spouse, a dog. They all depend on you. And you depend on them.  They have jobs, friends and schools they go to. Family may live nearby. It all seems like it should seem nice, but you feel stuck. This isn't what you want even though everyone tells you how lucky you are.

You see friends and family members get divorced, lose close friends, lose jobs, become ill and even die.  You see their children in trouble. You hear their woes each time you talk with them and you are sympathetic, but there is nothing you can do to make it better. You suppose you should go home and count your blessings and appreciate things more.

But you don't.  Because you can't.

I think we all get to this place at one time or another in our lives. Or perhaps we have been this way for so long we don't remember feeling any other way.  We are just not happy. We are disappointed. We are mad. And we wonder, how did we get here in the first place?

We all have had big dreams at some point in our lives. Perhaps they started in grade school or in high school or college. We saw that there was so much more out there than we ever thought possible. And perhaps some of us went on to pursue our dream and made it big. But many who had big dreams had baggage that perhaps held them back.  Naysayers. People saying, "You can never achieve that, don't even try."  So they didn't. Or maybe they just held themselves back or started on their way to a life they thought they wanted but then out grew.

And now they find themselves feeling sad and stuck.

Many people try to find solace in a myriad of ways.  Some may actually up and leave.  Others may become so very empty that they have nothing to give and go through each day like a robot with little feeling.  Still others try to find the answers in exercise, drugs, alcohol, shopping, travel or religion. But they all still find themselves back in the same place after all is said and done. And nothing seems better. Nothing at all.

I wish I had the answer.  Of course I don't. I sometimes feel stuck myself. But I will tell you what gets me through each day and puts a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

It is death.

I know, that sounds so silly. But it is true.  Death has opened my eyes to life. I have seen so much death, so much sadness, so much misery.  Nothing really scares me anymore.  So every day that I am breathing and not in physical pain is a good day to try something new.  To get unstuck. To be happy.

We are all going to die.  Each and every one of us.  And everyone we know as well.  You may say that that is depressing.  But it isn't. It is life affirming. Death sits on our shoulder and speaks to us.  But we hardly ever listen.

It says that the days are already counted. That you need to keep moving forward.  It pushes you. But of course, you resist.  Change is scary. Taking risks?  Even worse. Easier just to do nothing. Just hold tight and wait.

But wait for what?  Another miserable day? Saving up for that long thought of dream that probably never will come to fruition? Telling yourself that now is not the right time? So, when exactly is the right time. Death would tell you that the time is now.

I see so many people who thought they had time to change the direction and focus of their life. I also have seen some who were right smack in the middle of a great thing and said that they had no regrets. But those patients are few and far between.  Most did have regrets and wondered why they never really lived the life they should have, could have; but now, most certainly won't.

So, next time you are feeling bad about your life, make a plan to escape.  A real plan. Then figure out a way to make it happen. It doesn't have to involve moving or winning the lottery or a magic spell.  Sometimes it just means pushing aside your fears and getting out of your own way. And starting small with changes that matter.

You may not get everything you have ever dreamed of, but perhaps you can take some of the sharp edges off of your life and start to reshape it into what you had one day dreamed it could be. So be brave and go. Push yourself. You really have nothing to lose.

Just ask my patients.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
~~~Mark Twain

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
~~~Paul Valery

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
~~~Maria Robinson

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
 ~~~Romana L. Anderson

Death whispers to me and says,"live." And so I do.
~~~J. Nelson

Be nice.

Ever had one of those days?  You know, the kind of day when no one seems to be in a good mood?

The clerk at the store was surly.  Your kids grumbled at you in the morning. The guy driving behind you honked and gave you the finger. Your friends seem to be complaining all of the time and the news you hear on TV just seems to be exceedingly bad.

So what is the best remedy for all of this madness?

Just be nice.

I know it is hard. You don't want to be nice.  People don't deserve it. It takes effort. People don't respond in kind.

But it is so worth it.  Because nice matters. It really does.

Nice is rather boring, I know.  All the new "celebrities" popping up on TV tell us that nice is for losers, because they are anything but. Many of the new TV shows that our kids are growing up on celebrate a culture of mean. The popular shows showcase the sarcastic, the wise-cracking and the foul mouthed.  We do live in a rather mean culture. And our kids are growing up thinking this is the norm.

Sad, but true.

So, we have to step up. We need to be the model of nice, not just for our kids, but for everyone that we encounter.

Many of us isolate ourselves with a wall of anger or indifference. We think that we are somehow protected that way.  But I think that just leads to loneliness.  And sadness. And often even despair.

So instead, protect yourself by being nice. Smile at people. Hold the door. Act respectful when someone has a different point of view.  Ask people how they are and actually listen when they respond. Hug your kids and tell them you love them when they growl and roll their eyes at you. Speak softly instead of yelling.

Being nice to people disarms them. Makes them pause. I know it never fails to impress me.

So, go ahead, try it.  Take one 24 hour day and make nice.  See how it makes other's feel. But more importantly, see how it makes you feel.

You may not be able to change the world, but you can change your world. And isn't that really all that matters anyway?

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. ~Abraham Joshua Heschel

Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how. ~Author Unknown

A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses. ~Chinese Proverb

Tuning out.

Have you ever watched a dog running away and hear the owner calling wildly while the dog just seems to ignore him or her? The dog just seems to be tuning them out and running free without a care in the world..

Gosh I wish that I could sometimes do the same thing.

So much bad news lately. Over and over we hear about a 2 year old probably murdered by her now freed mom. We hear about a boy snatched and murdered in a cloistered community in New York City.  We hear about how the politicians that are supposed to be helping us are doing anything but. And we hear about bad weather patterns, crop failures, unemployment and a constant stream of sad stories from the seemingly never-ending war on terror.

We know more about Casey Anthony's tattoo than we need to know. Why, we know more about her than most of the people who live nearby in our own neighborhood.  It is maddening and crazy.

TMI.  Too much information. Enough already. I want to be like the dog running free who just doesn't listen anymore. Don't you?

We have always had bad news.  It just wasn't broadcast 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week, non-stop on 300 channels.

No wonder we are all stressed out. Hearing things over and over again like this makes it seem personal to us. That it needs to be our personal concern somehow. But it doesn't and it shouldn't.

Boundaries and limits. How many times have we heard that by setting certain boundaries and limits we can lead a less stressful life? But the news media knows no boundary and knows no limit.  They fill us in on every single detail of things that they shouldn't even know and fill our heads with details that are none of our business. They talk about things that should never be spoken about in public. They speculate. They do things to sensationalize their story, even if that means lying, cheating or fabricating.

So, I think it is high time we set our own limits and boundaries and simply tune them out.

It is late July now, the dog days of summer. Time to relax, chill out, take in a sunset on a beach or a walk through the mountains. Time to sit outside after working all day to a calm breeze, some light chit-chat or perhaps some gardening. Walking the dog seems a pleasure now.  A bike ride feels lovely. These are the things that we should be enjoying now. Tuning into ourselves, our family and the absolute wonder of a summer night.

I am not saying that we shouldn't be interested in the nation, the world or our fellow citizens. We should.  But we can know what is going on without stepping into the mud.  Because that just simply weighs us down and makes us feel awful.

So, tune out. Turn off the news. Go outside. Don't be tempted by the tabloids, the internet or magazine headlines that tell you what they say you need to know.  You don't need to know it. You simply don't.

So, be like the dog running free. At least occasionally. By doing so you may find that you can finally tune into yourself.  And that is all the news you need to know anyway.

Television has a real problem.  They have no page two.  Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one. 

~Art Buchwald, 1969

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit.  A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world. 
~Ada Louise Huxtable