Yes, go ahead. Love your stuff.

As a Hospice nurse, I suppose you think that I would say that stuff does not matter. That you can't take it with you. That materialism isn't worth it.

Well, that is just a load of crap.

We all love our stuff. And we should.

When I say stuff, I don't mean that ratty old couch you hate, or the hand me down curtains. I am talking about the stuff that you buy or collect that makes you uniquely you. The things that you surround yourself with that comfort you and make you smile.

I am in the process of purging now. Getting rid of stuff that either doesn't matter anymore, that is broken, that was an impulse buy or that we have simply outgrown. I hope to either give it away or sell it, hoping that it will become someone else's stuff. We all have way too much stuff. I know. And it can get overwhelming.

However, here are many things that I have carried with me for years and I know that I will continue to carry for years. Not because they are valuable or collectible, but because they are part of me. My important stuff.

Yes, there is a distinction.

Now, some people cling to things that hold special memories. Many times they are in boxes, put away so they do not get damaged. Or put away because they are simply too painful to look at. They are special things, but they made up someone else's life. We keep them as tangible evidence that this person existed, that they mattered to us. That they were special. That we still have a piece of them here with us.

A deceased child's teddy bear. A mother's favorite pillow. A dad's well worn fishing hat.

This is not the stuff I am talking about.

What I am talking about are the festive scarves you love to wear and keep buying. The collection of salt and pepper shakers from flea markets. The magnets from every trip you have ever been on. (hmmm, that one sounds familiar)

You know what I am talking about.

We all do it. And for many, we all feel quite guilty about it at times.

"I know I don't need this. But I cannot help myself."

"I should not waste so much money on this stuff."

Or are told, "Why do you keep buying that crap?"

Crap?

How many times have I said that. (Or been told that, but that is another story for another day)

We all need our little nirvana. It is part of who we are.

So poo on the naysayers, including ourselves. We deserve our stuff.

And no, we cannot take it with us. That is true. But so what. As long as we truly enjoy it and it makes us happy, then what exactly is the problem?

I am not talking about hoarders or people who have issues where they have a shopping addiction. I am talking about the small stuff, the special things.

I am talking about the collection of ornaments that we place on the tree every Christmas, the beautiful vase that we have on our mantel, the art that we enjoy looking at, the books that keep us company when we are lonely. The fragrance that you always buy. How you always have to have the best soap in your guest bathroom. Your favorite bedroom slippers. The cashmere sweaters you wear all the time. The guitar you love to play. The special car you restored. They are a statement about you. They are part of who you are.

Many wise men and women talk about how things aren't important. How materialism is a crime and a shame. How we are a consumer society bent on getting more and more.

I think that may be true.

But it shouldn't make us feel bad about loving our stuff.

There is a line from a movie "The Jerk" that I just love. Steve Martin, as Navin Johnson, has just lost his fortune. His wife, Marie, played by Bernadette Peters says, "I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff."

Truer words never spoken.

Many times people say after a fire or a hurricane, we can replace the stuff. We are just glad to be alive.

And I am sure that is true.

But I know that deep down they miss their stuff.

So, anyway, I am still going to love my stuff until the end. And if someone wants to sell it on Ebay when I am gone, that is fine. I hope that they take the money and then buy stuff that they can enjoy, too.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.” Michael Nolan

The Power of No.

Two letters that can spare us so much grief.

Yet, we rarely utter them.

Except to small children, then we say it constantly. "No, you may not have a cookie for lunch." "No, you may not hit your brother." "No, I cannot buy you a fire truck."

This no, however, may add more stress to our lives. But I digress.

Most times, we want to say no, but just cannot.

"Oh, Janice, wouldn't you love to help out with the Christmas Bazaar committee?"

"Um, well, what do you need help with?"

"Oh, just a few things. I will put you down and call you."

What? I never said yes. But I didn't say no. And that is the problem.

This actually a happens a lot. Or work will ask me to pitch in extra time. Or someone will ask me to volunteer or to drive somewhere to pick up something even though I really don't want to do it and I don't have the time. And I usually end up having to give up something that I really wanted to do in order to make the time to do something I really didn't want to do.

Crazy, I know.

But I end up doing it all the time and feeling put out and stressed and tired.

I know, we all do it.

We put way too much on our plate because we simply cannot say, 'No thanks' or "No, I cannot do it, sorry."

So, I set out to learn how to say no.

First, I looked it up on the Internet. Nothing seemed very helpful. Most of the articles written by "experts" were just common sense that I have already tried.

Then I went to the bookstore. Same thing.

My problem is that I just cannot say no. I don't need an expert or a book to tell me this. I cannot say no because I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. And it just seems easier at the time to say yes. Or to quietly agree without really saying anything.

And that is my problem.

In the meantime, my feelings get trampled on, over and over again. And for what gain?

So, as usual, I learned about the power of 'No' from one of my patients.

She was the type of woman who did everything for everyone. She always was the first to volunteer, always the one that baked for others, shopped for others, baby-sat in a pinch, was on ten committees, never forgot a birthday, went to every coffee. You get the picture.

Then she got sick.

She didn't want help. She was actually a very private person, even though it seemed as though she gave so much of herself to others.

So, when people called to offer help, she politely declined.

"I just said, 'No'. No excuses, no reasons. Just no. I did not have the energy or the desire to want to talk more than that. And it worked. I was floored. I had never said no before. No is powerful. I wish I had used it sooner"

Like I had written about in a previous post about a patient who felt she had given away too many pieces of herself, this woman felt exactly the same way.

"We have to see 'no' not as selfish, but as life preserving. Unless it is something that really matters to me, my answer will be no from now on. I want my time to be my own."

Interestingly, this patient is not dying. She is not a true hospice patient, she is on a bridge program for pain management. That is how I met her. So, she did not see her time as limited, she just did not want to squander it anymore. She felt all the added stress contributed to her illness.

Plus, she said, "All those women and organizations that I gave so much time to did not even bat an eye when they found out I was ill. They could have cared less. Most of the time, we say yes to be nice, or to feel part of something. But the honest truth is, many times we are simply being used."

Harsh words, but true.

So, I am going to start saying no to the things I really do not want to do or to things that will take up precious time that I do not want to give. I am just going to do it. I am going to say "No".

No, no, no, no, no.

And I will not just be saying "No".

I will be saying "Yes" to myself.

I feel lighter already.

(But you still cannot have a cookie for dinner, Well, okay, just this once.)

Want love? Get a Dog. Seriously. (Here are some of ours.)

These are our 4 dogs. From largest to smallest they are: Shadow, Baron, Picasso, and Pico. They are sometimes good, often times bad, and always loving.

We love animals. We have other pets as well. I suggest to everyone to get at least one pet. They really add so many fond memories to your life. And they add another dimension often missing in life; unconditional love.

A lot of people in our lives set conditions for us to follow if we want their love or respect or their admiration. (Or just a good yearly evaluation).

They are our parents, our kids, our teachers, our co-workers, the sales clerk, the boss, our grandparents, etc. I could on and on. Fact is, no one really, really loves us unconditionally. We certainly do not love ourselves that way.

But pets do. Especially dogs. They are always so happy to see us. They are good companions, especially when we are sick.

I have seen so many loyal dogs over the years. I go into so many peoples' homes and see dog after dog. Sometimes I cannot even get near the patient. The dog is standing guard on the hospital bed just daring me to come near their sick master. It is amazing how they just seem to know that the end is near. And they protect until the end.

Many moms that I meet often say to me, "I hate it when my daughter comes over to play at your house, they always come home bothering me for a dog."

Then I get to hear all the excuses why they did not get one for their kids.

We aren't home enough.
They are messy.
I am allergic. (yeah, right)
My kids will not take care of the dog and I do not want one more thing to take care of.

The last comment is probably the one that is closest to the truth. And I know it. I am the default pet keeper in my house.

But that is okay. I get the most unconditional love. And it is wonderful.

A lot of parents complain that all their kids do is sit and text friends, watch TV, play video games and attend organized sports. They do not seem to interact beyond that much.

A pet, especially a dog, changes that dynamic. You can touch a pet. Love a pet. Go out and walk and never feel alone with a pet. You can talk to your pet about your problems and cry your eyes out holding your pet. A pet makes you bigger than yourself.

And they teach me a thing or two as well.

Like I am a pro at getting pee stains out of white carpet now.

But I digress.

I just want to add that our children are with us a really short period of time. It seems like forever, but it is not. We will spend much more time with them as adults. And what we do in that short amount of time that we do have them with us will mold them into who they will become and what obstacles they will face, not just when out in that big scary world that we try to protect them from, but from the hardest time of all. When they are facing just themselves in the mirror.

I cannot tell you how many times I hear from adult children how their mom and dad would not get them a dog (or whatever pet they wanted, but most times, a dog). These adult children of course have dogs now, but it is still a sore issue that they bring up time and time again as something that really placed a wedge between them and their parents forever. Amazing, I know.

But true.

So, get the dog.

Our best dogs have been from the shelter, but that is a personal decision.

My husband always says, "Life is a series of dogs". In our life, that is very true.

So, give it more serious thought when your child asks for the dog. Really talk about the reasons why or why not. Make it a family decision rather than a dividing line.

Happiness is a warm puppy. ~Charles M. Schulz

To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace. ~Milan Kundera

I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

Give Yourself and Others a 20% Grace Factor.

grace (grs)
n.
1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.
2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.
3. A sense of fitness or propriety.
4. a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.
b. Mercy; clemency.
5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

Let's face it. No one is ever going to get 100% of anything. Not from a purchase, not from your friends, not even from yourself. (Okay, maybe your dog.)

So since we know that this is a universal truth, we might as well give everyone a 20% grace factor.

In a rush? The guy behind the counter slow? Well, stop expecting him to give you 100% service; give him the 20% grace factor, take a deep breath and feel good about what you just did.

Did your husband get you some flowers for your birthday? Yes. Have you told him 700 times that you hate mums? Yes. Did he bring you mums? Yes. Instead of getting mad, pull out the 20% grace. After all, he did bring you flowers. And then go out tomorrow and buy yourself a big bunch of the ones you love.

Problem resolved. No one hurt. No bad feelings. And you feel great for what you did.

It really does work.

Now, I am not saying that you should turn away from someone ripping you off, or being mean, or whatever. But lets face it; most of our "problems" are minor annoyances that we give way too much attention to. They are not life or death scenarios. Like I would never give a surgeon a 20% grace factor. I may, however, allow that for his horrible bedside manner. But not his skill with the knife.

Look, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, no way. No one cuts me a break, so why should I them?

I feel the same way, too. But it just makes me feel bad to think that way. And when I do remember to give that extra 20%, I applaud myself. So much better than feeling bad. Or mad. It pulls me up a notch. And we can always use that.

I am surrounded by grace every time I work. So many people, who, facing serious trouble, are so full of grace. I figure, if they can do it at this time in their lives, then surely I do not need to give the finger to the driver who just cut me off. Maybe that driver needs the 20%. Maybe he is rushing to see a sick family member or had bad news today. The 20% reminds us to be human.

We probably cannot expect to apply this to everything. But if we can think about doing it at least once a day, or maybe even once a month at minimum, it may become a habit. A good habit.

And perhaps someone will give us the 20% grace factor when we don't deserve it. And we will be in admiration of that person all day long. I would just bet on it.

Little Pieces of Myself

A patient and I were talking about regrets one day. She said something that has stuck with me for a very long time.

"What I regret the most, is that I gave away so many little pieces of myself."

I found that quite profound, and when I asked her what she meant by that, she said that it was really hard to explain, but she felt she had given a bit of herself here and a bit there over the years, and did not concentrate her efforts toward any one thing in particular. And that those small pieces now felt wasteful to her. That they didn't add up to anything important.

"It is better to pick a few special things to put your energy toward. Trying to give too much to too many is not so good."

I think I know now what she was talking about.

Everything tries to grab our attention constantly. Our cell phone, email, silly computer games, the laundry, the car pool, the volunteering at school, the endless driving for errands, the run to the grocery store, the TV, the endless paper piles. You know the drill.

And what does it get us? Mainly stressed out. Feeling like we have been pulled in a thousand different directions.

And all that time that we spend doing it. Does it really define our lives? Does it define who we are?

How much time do we really spend doing that? Defining ourselves?

We all say that we have no time, but if we thought about it, I bet we could come up with at least 30 minutes a day to spend doing something that is special and meaningful in our lives. Something that says, "This is me. This is what I am all about beyond my role as wife, husband, parent...etc."

And that is what I think the patient was talking about when she said she regretted giving away so much of herself. After all, she raised four kids who were wonderful adults, had many cherished friends, a beautiful home and a devoted husband.

"I love my family and my friends and my home. But that is not just who I am. I am much more than that. I just never got around to it, that's all."

We need to be more selfish in our lives. We need to take the time to start that project we always wanted to do, or to take a lesson or just start moving toward our true selves by reading about something we wish to be doing in the future. All paths start with that first step

"I wanted to be a writer." she finally told me. "And I could write. I just didn't do it. Everything else always came first. I always felt there would be more time.... another day, another year. And instead I filled that time with a lot of meaningless tasks that really never were that important. And now I am out of time. If I had to do it all again, I would make myself more of a priority. That is not to say that I don't love others or don't want to care for them. That is an essential part of me. What I mean is all the other clutter that stood between me and who I wanted to become. And that clutter was something I created. Don't do that to yourself. Learn from my mistake."

I learned a wonderful lesson from her that day that I have carried with me for years. I am so grateful to her.

I still give away a few pieces of myself that I wish I could get back; but I pay more attention to it now and I try to make myself a priority now and again.

And I must say, it does feel pretty good.

Holiday weekend break

Hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend, however you celebrate.

Just remember to pay attention to it. So many of my patients regret that complained about family get-togethers. You never know who may be missing next time, so, for what it is worth, try to appreciate people for what they are and they bring to your life's story, good or bad. They all make up who you are, whether you like it or not.

So, enjoy anyway.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.
Buddha

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.
Buddha

Holidays and the Bereaved

I am not a grief counselor. But I do my fair share of bereavement visits and have been around the grieving for a long time, so wanted to give you some things to think about this holiday weekend.

If you know someone who has had a death in their family this past year, remind yourself how difficult this Easter/Passover will be for them. Many people assume that the bereaved won't want to be "reminded" of their loss. That is not true. There isn't a day that goes by that they are not reminded.

What they don't want is to be forgotten. Nor have their loved one be forgotten.

So, if calling makes you uncomfortable, then send a card or some flowers or drop off a spring plant and tell them you are thinking of them. Don't say that if they need anything, to call. They won't. You need to be the one to just do something.

The holidays are especially difficult for the grieving. They are hard enough to get through when things are good. So, be mindful of that.

If you know someone who is very ill or dying and in hospice care, they would love a card or letter and a reminder that they, too, are being thought of. Flowers and food are nice as well, as the family can enjoy them. But a note is just fine and a handwritten note, even better.

I was with one patient last Easter when the doorbell rang and it was a neighbor who had made fresh scones and brought jam. The family was thrilled.

It doesn't take much to remind people that they are loved or thought about.

The cruelest thing is to do nothing. Being forgotten and alone is not good for anyone.

So, this Easter/Passover, as you are enjoying your family and counting your blessings, take time to remember those who will not feel so blessed this year.


“It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters.”

~Mother Teresa

Hope Lives Eternal.

This is taken directly from a blog written by a woman who wrote about her cancer diagnosis, treatments and the ultimate finality of her disease. This entry is written just after her MD informed her that she needed to seek Hospice care.

I can’t say I’m thrilled about the latest verdict on my care and treatment. But as Alex has written, we are not giving up hope. They basically told me I had one year or less when I was diagnosed in 2007, but through hope, love, the good prayers of all of you, I am still here nearly THREE YEARS LATER– what my oncologist Richard Penson, calls "miracle years." I would be churlish not to be thankful for that gift, made possible by God, your prayers and your love.

My oncologist on Monday advised me to think about what I want my legacy to be. I have been ruminating on that. My conclusion? I want my legacy to be all of you—my friends, loved ones, former students—a human chain of those who have guided and influenced me, and whom I touched and influenced.​
Final advice? Always do the right thing. It will gratify your friends and enrage your enemies.

I don’t want to go. I love life and I know how blessed I am....

This is what I see the most when patients enter hospice, their life spirit. Their hope. Unless they came to our service very, very close to the end, we see this determination all of the time. We do not discourage it. We do not steal anyone's hope.

Think about how many times a day we talk about hope without really thinking about it.

I hope you feel better soon.
I hope I can get that stain out.
I hope you do well on your test.
My, God, I hope you don't mean that!

And our new President even ran on a campaign of hope.

I think hope unites us somehow, connects us with a very deep part of ourselves that is universal. We all hope for things. When times are down, we all hope for the best.

I cannot think of much else that is so uniquely human. And so we cling to hope until we are forced to let go. And why wouldn't we.

Hope is really a lot of what the human experience is all about. Without hope, we do not have much. I find that truly fascinating.

Never let anyone steal your hope.

“Hope is the dream of a soul awake.”
French Proverb

Learn to Be Content

Con·tent (kn-tnt) adj.
Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.

How many of us have ever contemplated just being content?

I know we search for happiness, but do we ever embrace simply being content?

Probably not. I know I don't.

One of my favorite books of all times is Joy In the Morning, written by Betty Smith (You may know her from her book, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn.) A very simple read. But a good one. In one part, new husband, Carl, asks his new bride, Annie, if she is happy:

"Happy?" he asked.
"Contented."
"When are you going to start being happy?"
"Oh, I was happy this morning when I got off of the train and saw you. But now I'm contented."
"What's the difference between happiness and contentment, wiseguy?"
"Well, happy is like when somebody gives you a big hunk of something wonderful and it's too big to hold. So you pull off a piece from time to time and hold it in your hand. That's being contented."

I loved that. Don't you?

We are always searching for more. Wanting the latest, the biggest, the best. But it always lets us down somehow. It is never quite enough. Something is always out there that could make us happier, we just know it.

But it isn't. And I think we know that, too.

As you know, I take care of the people who are now out of time. And over and over again I hear the same thing.

I never realized I had it all already.
I never really paid attention to what I had.
I didn't hug my children enough. (That is a whole other topic for discussion on another day)
I never appreciated all they had given me.
I always thought there was some elusive thing I was missing.
I was never content with what I had.

So, I am making more of an effort to really be content. With who I am and what I have. Mostly, that list includes my family, my health, my home, my pets, my job, my friends, my ability to walk or run and to eat great food and to drink great wine (on occasion). And to read great books, too. I love that.

I may still want that lovely bag at Bloomingdale's, but it will only make me happy for a few days, and so I have to accept that. Happiness is elusive and has shining moments, but can fade quickly. And I have to ask myself, who I am really buying that bag for? I may not like the answer so much.

But being content can last a lifetime. And make us less stressed. We can let go of the need to have it all. I guess there really is no "all" anyway.

I have seen many people end up in just a small room at our hospice house. They are there to die, but we try to help them to be comfortable by allowing them to decorate the room with anything they want. Most want comforting things that they love; besides family of course, they may bring in a book that they love, pictures of family, certain pieces of art, cozy blankets, special tea they love to drink, a pretty cup and saucer to drink it from. Some bring in pets, some musical instruments. Some bring plants or flowers or special treats like chocolate if they can tolerate it or some other thing that they had been denying themselves for too long. One man smoked cigar after cigar. He was VERY content at the end because he had denied himself this pleasure for a very long time.

No one brings a laptop, a cell phone, or a fancy purse from Bloomingdale's. (I know) They do not worry about certain people anymore and ask us to not allow certain visitors that they have tolerated over the years, but never really liked.

"They always made me feel bad about who I am. Why I ever put up with that, I will never know."

They can no longer drive, but a car can still be very important to many, especially vintage cars and much talk is centered around their care after death. (Yes, really. More than you can imagine). Some things do make us very content. But if we really boiled it down, it would be just a few things. All the other stuff makes us crazy instead.

They usually do not care about the big house, or much of what is in it.

"I should have let that go years ago but felt I needed it. What would people have thought?" I hear that a lot.

And it is so amazing to me. With so little, I have seen so much contentment. Not happiness, because this is not a happy time. But they are content. They are finally free to just enjoy what they love. Who they are.

When we are living our lives through someone else's eyes and desires, we can never be content.

When we decide to live on our own terms, it is amazing how little we need. We shed the facade of a life we have been hiding behind. So many tell me they did not become their own person until the diagnosis of cancer. The realization that their life was truly their own allowed them to be free to be themselves, finally. They realized, this is it. This is who I am. This is where life has lead me and it hasn't been that bad at all. I hate to leave it. And sometimes they don't die. They get better. I wonder if finally finding contentment helped.

I guess many of us will never understand that until the end. But if we can take one piece of what they know and run with it, we could have more contented days. I am sure of it.

And that is what life is all about anyway. Days.

Listen to What Your Body has to Say

Yes. Your body is talking to you. Do you listen? Didn't think so.

If there is one thing I have heard over and over again from patients for the past 30 years of my nursing career, it is something like this:

"I just thought it was nothing important"
"I thought I was just tired"
"I thought it was stress"
"My doctor told me it was stress"
"My mom and my co-workers said not to worry, I would be fine"

I could go on and on, but you get the picture. We all do it. We ignore what our body is telling us.

So many of us are on perpetual high speed. We barely slow down enough to eat or to sleep. Seems there is so much to do, all of the time.

And the truth is, there is.

This is not my mother's world of the 1950's. We have a Starbucks on every corner, instant access to news 24/7, limitless shopping, bigger houses, faster cars (okay, some would argue there). But I know you know. We live a different, faster lifestyle.

And although we live a bit longer now, we are not healthier or happier. Many of us are on several medications and never really feeling good.

And some of us miss the boat completely and will die young.

All because we cannot slow down enough to listen to the wisdom of what the complex cells and energy that make up who we are is telling us.

So, right now as you read this, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath in to the count of 4. Hold for 4 counts, then exhale for four counts. Close your eyes. How do you feel right now?

Do this often. Feel what your body feels. Then jot it down. Do this anytime you have a bad thing happening; a headache, a backache, an unusual ache or pain, dizziness, etc. Keep a log. Call it, the "Me" log.

For example, if you notice burning sensations in your stomach in the morning or after lunch, write that information down or put that iPhone or Blackberry to good use and jot down the date and time and what you did to relieve it. Did it work? Write that down, too. Do you keep having to take more Tums/Prilosec/whatever? Write it down.

Do this every time you feel it. Soon a pattern will emerge. Add any additional symptoms that may not seem connected to it as well. (like, I feel pressure under my breastbone, too. Or I sweat sometimes for no reason) This is important information. We don't think it is, but the story you tell your MD is the MOST important part of the exam.

The STORY.

So make it clear and concise and to the point. The exam and even most of the blood work will NOT tell the story. Or it will give you a false sense of being okay when every cell in your body is screaming "I am certainly not okay."

Now, sometimes it is stress. Actually, oftentimes. So, what do we do? How can we slow down and get exercise and still rush to work and to daycare and take care of 3 kids plus a spouse and an ailing in-law or parent and get the deal or meet the deadline so that we can stay employed because we are buried under a mountain of bills? And how will we ever find the time to do laundry let alone relax? (this sounds oddly familiar)

Well, the answer to that is, you have to decide. Stress is a reality we all have to deal with, but it is not good if it makes you ill. So, you have to listen to yourself. If your body is tired, which is often the first sign that trouble lurks, try to go to bed early.(common sense, but no one does it) Drink more water in between coffees. Take deep breaths often (the 4 count I already explained). Stretch a few times a day. Place a picture of a great vacation spot on your desk or computer or above the sink. Look at it and allow yourself to daydream a minute about being there. Take B-vitamins. Do one thing a day you enjoy, even for just a few seconds. Don't drink so much alcohol in the evening or on the weekends, even if you think you deserve it. It will make your week worse.

But what if you are having other symptoms that don't seem like they are stress induced that have been going on a while and that scare you and you have been to the MD and he brushes them off?

Well, the log helps. MDs hate when you write things down. So, bring the notebook with you. Review how the symptoms are impacting your life. Tell them what you have tried and how it has not worked. Be relentless. Write down everything he tells you to do. Then ask him for a follow-up appointment. And make it anyway. If you feel really better, you can cancel. But don't. Go anyway. Tell him exactly how it worked. You will know because you kept a short log of events.

Here is an example of what I am trying to say. A woman I know had a nagging backache. She took Tylenol for it. Seemed to help. Yet, it was always there.

"I must have turned funny, or lifted something" she mused.

Weeks, months, still taking Tylenol. Then she noticed that she felt bloated.

Went to the MD.

"I feel bloated all the time". He examined her. No, nothing seems wrong. Take some laxatives he said.

She never mentioned the backache. It was mild and she did not think it was related.

More time went by. She still had the backache and the mild bloating. She just wrote them off and continued with life.

Eventually, the back pain became worse. Tylenol lead to Advil and then to hot packs and finally another trip to the MD.

"I have back pain." No mention of the continued bloating.

Do you see the pattern here?

The whole story would have painted a different picture. And the MD would have, or rather, should have, looked in another direction.

Her ovarian cancer may have been found sooner.

She died at age 50. She had had the back pain for 2 years. It could have been diagnosed just by having a simple pelvic ultrasound.

I am not suggesting you become an alarmist over minor aches and pains. Most do go away and indeed are caused by lifting too much or by too much stress. But if it continues over time and there are other things happening as well that you may not think are related, if you put them all together, they may paint a different story to a clinician. And they may save your life.

Look, doctors take a lot of heat for not spending enough time with the patients and for not listening. So you have to write things down. If they still will not listen, well, then you either have to be the squeaky wheel or find another MD.

My point is this, listen to your body. There was a paragraph in a book or an article I read a while back that was perfect in explaining how the body talks to us. When our body is out of whack, it throws a pebble, a minor ache or pain. When you fail to listen to that tap from the small pebble, it throws a rock. Finally, it throws a boulder, and by that time, it is often too late.

How many times do we do this. Take more Tums to quell burning indigestion. Drink more coffee to cover fatigue. You get my drift.

So, find the time to listen. And listen to others, too, like your spouse. Heart disease is still the number one killer in this country in both men and women and the early signs are dyspepsia and fatigue, not chest pain.

We all know when something is not right. We normally choose to ignore it and hope it goes away. And many times it does. But when it doesn't, you need to pay attention. Not ignore it. Or cover it up. Eventually the body wins out.

Our bodies are smarter than we think. The body talks to us. I just don't want it saying, "I told you so."